Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Maya Angelou on NPR's The Diane Rehm Show had some simplistic, yet bold, words to say about making a change on the world. About the delicate dance between ambition, anger, and hope.

"Love and fear don't go very well together. Fear tends to take over. Love, if you give it a chance, it will become dominant. That's one thing I know. Being passive is not a condition I know. There's nothing in the universe that is passive. Everything is moving. I think it is a good thing to be angry. I don't think it is a good thing to hold anger in. Because the minute you hold anger in, it becomes bitterness and bitterness is like cancer, it eats on the host. It can eat the host to death and do nothing to the object that made it angry. You understand?

...But I think the wise thing to do is to admit whatever has happened, has happened. Put that down. Now begin the business of seeing what you can do to rectify life and the ways of living."

In light of the terror happening in the Middle East, these ideas are ever more true.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Reflection on the Holidays

The holidays have begun. First, with the commemorative drive down Ridgeway looking at the magical galore of light balls. Twice I've done it, once with an old friend and once with a new friend, named Mouse. Second, with the blessing of getting remixed Christmas songs by Jessica Simpson stuck on repeat in my head. Not to mention the brisk walks from shop doors to car doors. Don't they make you feel a little more alive?

It's all felt very social and familial, rather than religious or spiritual. And it's been nice. Spending a weekend with my big brother, dancing with people I know and don't know, eating breakfast with a dear friend, drinking warm wine and knitting with my roommate, shedding tears over a friend leaving. It's been emotional, but I know it is holiday season even without the Christian emphasis that has been so thick in years past because even though I'm inside my house, my hands are freezing and my heart is warm. I'm excited about spending an entire week with my family, completing puzzles, teaming up with Matt to win at Cranium, and laughing hard, really hard. This is anticipation I haven't felt in a while. It's where that faith in the goodness of humanity is vibrant and resounding because these relationships are beautiful and lasting, no matter what.

I told Will that I was nervous about communion being offered at the Christmas Eve service. That I never know how I will feel, which answer I will bubble in on the test. And that since I'm with the family its more complicated. Will said, do what you have to do. If it makes you feel less uncomfortable, I won't take it either. I said, thank you. He understands.

Let me leave you with this song that WUAG has been playing the heck out of recently.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Just when I was becoming paralyzed by fear of graduation, I am becoming ready and excited. I have plans for my life.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Bummed Out

Man. I don't know what has come over me. Humanity bums me out, and my lack of ability to have an effect bums me out. It's been building over time, but this particular event triggered it last night. At the basketball game there were these UNCG guys behind me who were ragging on this player from the opposing team. They were making fun of the way he looked - calling out things like "you've got down-syndrome" and "get your teeth fixed." Total disregard. Total ignorance. Total assholes. I was so angry. It wasn't just two guys either it was a whole lot of them - 20 guys probably chanting this stuff. No one said anything in opposition. What makes me even angrier is that I didn't have the guts to turn around and say something. If I can't stand up to some twenty-something year old douchebags that haven't grown up, how in the world am I going to be able to stand up against global forces like poverty, corruption, violation of human rights.

I am so frustrated with the superficiality of humanity. I see girls being obnoxious and throwing themselves, literally, over tables to be the center of attention. I see guys trying to be masculine and aware, talking about stuff that is completely unnecessary and without depth. Is integrity out there? Is sincerity out there? (Broken record much?)

I need to talk to my brother. He'll know what to say.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Today during class we each had to give a 3 minute presentation on our research papers. One girl had the word Buddhism in her presentation. She pronounced it "Bootyism." My friends and I lost it.

Monday, November 24, 2008


After writing my previous post I called my dad and talked theory with him. Let me preface this with the fact that my dad is a brilliant man. An intellectual. A man. Put it together. So the bulk of our discussion was my frustration with letting the theory of dramaturgy and symbolic interactionism explain my life and my relationships. Because if the theory was true then I was feeling my world fall apart. However, theories by definition are objective. They are a bird's eye view even though they are micro level. They are an explanation, not a design. I was taking something that was objective and applying it to me. Me. I am subjective. Using words like sincere and genuine are subjective terms. The theory never said that the roles are played without integrity and that we can't improvise.


These girls sitting beside me better shut up. I will role play mortal combat all up on them if they don't quiet down.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Drowning in Papers

What a scary way to die. Not being able to breath because you're stuck at the bottom, surrounded by a giant pool of papers. Paper cuts are the worst.

So, I'm sitting here in the SuperLab writing about Symbolic Interactionism. Basically this theory says that no interaction is genuine. We are all actors, speaking scripts, reacting to props, and acting as we want the audience (the other people in the situation) to interpret it. That when we talk to each other, it isn't sincere or caring, but we say what we think we need to say in order to give off a certain impression. Erving Goffman says that sometimes this is conscious, but sometimes it isn't. Sometimes we are so accustomed to the tradition of certain roles, that our actions and our speech come easily and unconsciously.

Isn't this a downer? I am slowly losing my faith in humanity. A few months back, I defended the goodness of people to a friend. She said that this reality is too harsh, that people suck and that's why she believed in God. She needed an alternate escape. A pure goodness, one that wasn't fair-weathered. But I don't know, she might be right. If nothing is true, if interactions aren't sincere and are mere responses as warranted, then maybe reality is harsh.

My new question for myself, is how do I mend this?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Pump it UP

For an assignment I had to listen to Jeffrey Sachs give a talk on the future of globalization. Listening to him list out how the world is in jeopardy of becoming over populated, of depleting energy sources, and of the rich getting richer and poor getting poorer, makes my skin itch. (And no it's not because I am participating in No Shave November.) I want to get out. I want to go. I want to be a part of something big, something revolutionary, something moving. It's not just a desire to be a part of something, it's a desire to affect, to change, to impact the future, to make this world a better place for the next generation. For the millions of children who will be born into war-torn areas, into severe poverty.

I feel stuck. Have I said this before? I can't imagine myself doing anything post-graduation. Or rather I can imagine myself doing so many things, but I feel so small and trapped in this secure, American, middle class lifestyle. I don't want to miss out on life here, on my best friend getting married, on siblings continuing their lives with possibilities of marriage and children and new furniture. It's exciting times and I'm a wuss. A wuss with ambition.

Today during class I was thinking about how I can't predict the future. I was sitting there looking at my black socks with my brown moccasins and knew that I have no idea what I will be doing next Monday. No clue. That's annoying.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

La Rage

first, watch and read the subtitles.
then, watch again but focus on the images.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Moving Forward. New Ideas. New Solutions.

I just finished reading an article in The New York Times about Barack Obama's preparation for becoming president in January. I'm excited. You know how sometimes you can feel your heart smiling? Obama made a lot of promises and his agenda for change is extensive, perhaps unrealistic. But without idealism, without standards for the quality of life, without expectations, then what is the point of changing - if there is no ultimate, ideal way of life. I can't wait for all children to have healthcare. I'm excited to see how our government pressures rebel groups in Africa to stop fighting. I hope Obama will remember the Americorps and the Peace Corps like he said. I'm nervous and pumped to see what the new administration can accomplish, what the new Senate and House of Representatives will declare as important.

My politically conscious, Canadian friend congratulated America for making a good decision.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


I'm ready to move far, far away from this land.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

yoo-hoo passion, where are you?

Today at work I helped a woman custom frame some art. She had a soft voice and a pleasant attitude, although she was a bit indecisive, but I can't hold that against her - she's one of my kind. We started asking me about where I was in school and what I was studying and all the questions that come along with the topic by default. I mentioned that I used to be a social work major and it was something I still wanted to do. She then went on to say that she thought I would be very good at that job, and she listed off some attributes she had noticed about me. While she was telling me this I couldn't understand why. How did she know that I was feeling so lost about my future, that I was rethinking everything I wanted to do? Why did she feel the need to be so uplifting towards me and be so kind and gentle in everything she said? Does she have any clue that I'm blogging about her right now?

I also mentioned the Peace corps and she told me I should do it. She said, "this is the time to do it when you don't have any responsibilities holding you back." I told her I know. I do know this. It's so scary though. It's that issue of security that I want, but don't want.

It makes me believe in God a little more. It makes me want to do big things with my life. It makes me want to be the change I want to see in the world. It stirs my bones.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


I went to Kentucky to visit my sister and brother-in-law this weekend, for fall break. It was a good time. It was a good environment to be in - I needed that.

They are good people. They are exactly who I thought I would be, who I thought I wanted to be. They have good friends, they are healthy, they are active, they are down to earth, they are Christians, they don't drink or curse or smoke. Granted, they are living in a Christian bubble. I see it, and I was in it all weekend, but it wasn't stuffy and it wasn't exhausting. Going to church was a little strange and praying before every meal was out of the ordinary, but it was alright. They are understanding and loving people. It makes realize what I gave up. By going to a public university, by having non-Christian friends, by studying abroad, by thinking about what I believe. I look at them and I see security. They have secure jobs, secure relationships, secure faiths. It is so appealing. It makes me want to model my life just like them.

But then I remember how much security scares, how little adventure I see in it.

It was very appealing though. I feel so far removed from my Christian bubble. And I feel pretty comfortable where I am at now. I want to mesh the two worlds, but I don't see that it's feasible. Is it? I feel like I have to choose, and I don't wanna.

The trip also made me want to get married. Getting ahead of myself much?

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Angst and teenage melodrama

I have two theories relating to men folk:
1. All men are wusses. Generalization it may be - it's true. Todos los hombres do not step up and say hey, let's talk. They beat around the bush and I refuse to be the man in the relationship. I'm a feminist egalitarian who appreciates gender roles.
2. There are few good men left and none of them are in Greensboro or single or breathing or not related to me. Now this is in relation to Theory 1. All the cute ones have issues and all the nice ones couldn't handle my issues. And all the nice ones are wusses. It's a circle, you see.

I need Garrison Keillor to explain to me the facts of life and tell me that's just the way it is.

I bought "The Reason for God" by Timothy Keller. I'm nervous and excited about reading it. Part of me doesn't want answers. Another part of me doesn't want answers from a Christian pastor. And another part of me wants to believe it all because it would just be easier that way.

Friday, September 26, 2008

My weekly Thursday lunch date hit the nail on the head yesterday when she said that I should let go feeling guilty for not measuring up to what I think people expect of a 'Christian woman.' If I let go of this, will there be anything left to draw me to Christianity? I don't think my friends or potential friends or roommates, especially those who do believe, can handle my cynicism or my critique or my disbelief. I already feel the strain that this has on some of my relationships. And every time I meet a nice Christian person, I think about how they'll turn their back once they know about the jumble of thoughts I am thinking.

Greg summed it up rather nicely. All the assumptions I had about Christians, about the faith became my pillars for it all making sense. They are exploding. Without these foundations, what's the point then of believing in the Christian God? I'm not scared of sin, I'm not scared of hell. The only thing I am truly fearful of is the rejection of my family and the disappointment of my friends.

For example, things are somewhat stressful these days, but it's nothing I can't handle. Am I believing the lie that I was taught exists? That being self sufficiency. Maybe I am, but maybe self sufficiency isn't such a terrible concept.

I have all these thoughts that morph into other thoughts. It's frustrating to not have factual answers. It all comes back to faith and belief, and I just don't know if I buy it anymore.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Put on your diaper and watch this. Be aware, you might pee in your pants.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Pa says hello

I talked to Pa on the phone today. He's been in the hospital for over a month and half now. He was sedated and on a ventilator for two of those weeks and unresponsive for close to four. But I talked to him on the phone today! He congratulated me on graduating and asked me to come back to North Carolina as soon as possible to visit. His facts are a little askew, but still. The smallest accomplishments are the biggest.


This is a website that you can use for your analyzing and decision making processes for the presidential election in November. It's seems to be impartial investigating all 'slime' committed against all four candidates (plus other politicians out there).

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Drunk on hope

There are things that I enjoy. One of them is perspective. Another is tact, but today I like perspective. It's so refreshing to find people willing to engage in talking about perspectives. Why do you think that way? What were you taught or what did you see that made you develop that assumption about life? One of my teachers is a total douche, but I can't help but respect his very unique perspective. His 'punk rock, divorced, knows the components of heroine, thinks Dick Cheney is evil, owns 14 guitars and wants one more' perspective.

I also am enjoying my walks to and from school. It only adds up to 30-40 minutes everyday, some days it's twice that, but regardless I am so grateful. I've only gotten honked at once, and whistled at once. I was listening to a podcast one day and it was funny so I laughed at the most inopportune moment as a man drove by. He smiled and waved at me. It was uncomfortable. I told Valerie we could start running and shave valuable time off our walks. She wasn't fond of the idea. Yeah. She's probably right. Running with a book bag is never smooth.

Monday, September 8, 2008

I want to look stupid.

I was listening to Prairie Home Companion: News from Lake Wobegon on podcast today as I walked home from school. Garrison was talking about the men in Lake Wobegon all get together at the fair and drink this grape wine. It's a fraternal meeting. Women aren't allowed because the men don't want there to be any judging and Garrison said something to this effect: "Whenever you are having a really wonderful time, you don't look that good. Whenever your heart is filled with joy you look stupid. The next time you experience ecstasy look in the mirror and see if I'm not right. You look dumb."

It's funny. It's true. That's what I want out of life. A good time. Euphoria. I'm tired of being worried all the time about what I am going to do when I graduate. Or who I'm going to date. Or if my friends care. Or if I look cool. Yeah, sadly, I still care about these things. I realize they are trivial, always have, but it is still a daily battle with my insecurities over these issues. Garrison gives me hope though. Judgment may ensue, but I want to look stupid.

I feel hopeful. And that is a feeling that has been long forgotten.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Chick fil a free chicken strips give away today. Holler!

Now that I don't live with my best friends anymore and have the privilege of hanging out with them at most anytime, I have realized the minimal amount of friends I do have. I need to make new friends. I need to become cool first so people will want to be my friend.

I'm gonna go eat my chicken now.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

A little linkage to pass along to you my friends. I got it off another girl's livejournal. She doesn't know I read her livejournal. I don't even know her. Call me creepy. But just watch my knowledge grow.


Thursday, August 14, 2008


My quest has begun. My quest is to find me. I don't know how I am going to do it, but the first step was to say that I don't know who I am. I know who I was raised to be, I know who my friends say I am, I know who I am in the presence of others, but I don't know me.

Ask me what my favorite color is. I don't know.

Ask me what kind of music I like. I don't know.

Ask me if I believe in God. I don't know.

Ask me why I want to be a social worker. I don't know.

I don't have any answers. I'm a sponge and have absorbed everything around me. Now it's time to squeeze out the excess and retain what is me.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I need someone to talk to. Someone I don't really know, someone who isn't emotional, someone who isn't a relative. Someone who can provide guidance and answers. Someone who can understand and doesn't have their own issues to sort through.

Every time communion is offered at church, it feels like a test. Do I believe enough to take it? Do I believe to little to take it? If I take it and I don't believe enough, I don't want my heart to be closed off. So I haven't been taking it. I don't know if I believe. But it's so ingrained in me I wonder if it is even possible for me to not believe.

And what am I even believing in? What if I don't believe in sin, then I don't need grace and I wouldn't need Jesus. It seems to me that sin is this religious construct to convince people that they need salvation.

Then there is the fact that because I was raised in a Christian home I have certain values and morals that fit in the Christian community. They are accepted and the opposite of what I hold is what is strange and scoffed at. But when I enter the secular community, my ideals are treated strangely. I feel conflicted and detached.

I don't know how to make up my own mind. I don't know how to think for myself. I feel like I'm letting people down by not being a strong Godly woman. I just can't be. I don't see a reason.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Ending, Beginning

Tonight is the last night I live with Emily. At least for now. She has plans for future roommates after graduation, but maybe we will be able to live together again. Maybe when we are both married. That would be fun.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I'm home. Let's hang out.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

bill's blog as dictated to leah

I love spoons. They have round ends and a fun handle. I enjoy eating yogurt with them. I also enjoy that movie, Robinhood, with Kevin Costner, you know the one, where the sheriff talks about eating that guys' heart out with a spoon...come on, you know, because it would hurt more. I don't like it when Leah corrects my grammar and sentence structure. Blogs don't have to have proper sentence structure - they are blogs. That is all.

Oh, one more thing. Leah is pretty. Yes, yes. I repeat myself, I repeat myself. Often, often.

Now. That is all.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Thank You.. my high school for requiring me to take a keyboarding class. Compared to these foreigners (aka. people who are not me) I look so high tech and awesome. A little self-esteem boost is necessary sometimes. my university for requiring me to take a communications class. Even though I almost poop in my pants everytime I have to give a speech, my nerves apparently don't shine through. Without this class, however, I'd look a fool. the Aussies that are staying in our room. You boys are so good looking. (Thank you to God for making them that way).

..NOT to Hitler. I can't believe that man was in power for so long, and SO many people encouraged and supported his radical behaviours for so long.

So, those are my thank yous for now.

Today Bill and I went to the Sachsenhausen concentration camp, which existed from 1936-1945. I couldn't believe what I was seeing and thinking about the thousands of people who died there, even after the war when the Russians used the space as an internment camp for POWs. It was sickening to think about it. Even in the concentration camp the Jews were seperated from all the other prisoners - they were seen as unworthy to be among the others. Anyone the SS saw as deeming threat to the Reich, Hitler's govern, were captured, Jews were just one sector of the whole. This concentration camp only housed about 60,000 prisoners, so I can only imagine what Aushwitz was like.

Tomorrow we are going to Frankfurt bright and early at 8.00 am and we will spend two nights there. Less than a week left - very interesting.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

I love London. There are so many people of different cultures, races, and ethnicities. It's very beautiful to look at.

Tomorrow morning, like 3 am, Bill and I begin our adventures to Land of Germans. I am very excited! I didn't like Glasgow so much and I was wondering if I stopped liking to travel, but I've regained it. I went to Stonehenge today and that was very cool. So now I have seen two of the seven wonders of the medieval world and one of the ancient world. I'd like to see all 14 of them!


Thursday, July 3, 2008

facing truth

I met the world again last night and it screamed in my face. It made me think and question and wonder about truth. My most common response was "I don't know." I don't know what is truth. I get tired of caring about people, I get tired of being inclusive, I get tired of loving, I get tired of wondering if there is anyway I could ever make a decision about my faith 'for myself.' I'll always be connected to what my parents taught me and I'll always be questioned about it.

The world felt so disrespectful last night. I don't have blatant disregard for others' beliefs, so why must it be there for mine?

I don't know who I am. Put me back in Greensboro and I could tell you. Not here. My lack of experience in relationships is laughable, my concern for others is strange, my reservations are unheard of. I've never felt more naive and young in my life. As alien as I feel, I'm not willing to change. But why? Why am I the way I am? Why did I make a commitment to not have sex until I was married? My thinking is so foggy and there is no understanding here.

I have plenty of friends who don't believe in God. Our relationship, though, is of respect. I respect their right to believe or not believe in whatever. They respect my right to do the same. There is no pressure on either side to defend what we have chosen. So why am I met with this here?

I'll try not to let these thoughts occupy my mind to the point where I can't have any fun. One thing I do know for sure is that I enjoy caring and loving, so if I continue that theme in my life, then perhaps I will be alright.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

home redifined

After spending a whirlwind weekend away in St. Andrews and Crail, it is refreshing to come back to a familiar place. Outside of Glasgow the signs look different, the buses look different, the grocery stores are different and as we rode back in to town I knew we were near because I started to recognize land marks.

At the same time it was nice to get away. Glasgow equals school at the moment, so Tara and I escaped, even though it was on our mind the whole time we were gone, to this place:

This is The Marine in Crail, just 5 miles outside of St. Andrews, a really pretty beach town with lots of golf courses and ruins. We caught the first bus, number 24, out of Glasgow yesterday and rode 2.5 hours to St. Andrews where we toured around looking at the ruins of St. Andrews Cathedral and Castle, both built in the 1100s. Stuff is really old here. Then we went to the beach where that famous slow-mo running scene from Chariots of Fire was filmed, and put our feet in the North Sea. Then we caught the number 95 bus to Crail where we spent the night at the B&B shown above. It was a cute, quaint town right on the seaside. We had dinner and just relaxed. B&Bs are where its at.
When we got back to Glasgow this afternoon we went to Primark, mecca of cheap cute clothes. It being the mecca, means loads and loads of people. It feeds my consumeristic mind and I hate it. I hate feeling like I need cute things or that what I wear right now is not trendy or stylish enough. I tried on stuff and just started feeling so overwhelmed that I put it all back and just got a scarf and some bangles. It's in these moments when I realized I am still young and impressionable. I can't wait for the day when I am totally comfortable in my skin and don't feel the need to try and impress people, namely guys.
I'm excited about my 21st birthday tomorrow! I started celebrating on Thursday with buying a birthday dress, then on Friday with The Cave Singers show, which was phenomenal by the way. Yesterday was the B&B and tonight will be the Euro 2008 Final Game. It would be cool for Germany to win, since I will be travelling there afterwards, but the Spain guys are much better looking. Turkey shoulda won.
Scotland is almost over. Friday I fly to London. No worries, I'll say hello to the Queen for everyone.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Ann is in Kenya!

This picture acurrately sums up the ridiculousness this group ensues wherever we go. Even when we don't have them on, we draw attention like we are always wearing tacky army green ponchos. Oh, these guys are great, they keep me humble and batter my self conscious behavior constantly. I need that. They also force me to love. Self epiphanies are so cliche, but I appreciate them so.

I think (operative word here - think) that I am going to do the Peacecorps after graduation. After studying with these MSW students, I've realized that I do not have enough life experience or work experience to make a well-informed decision about grad school or even what I want to do with my life. I need to live. The Peaceorps is still a scary idea for me. I'm thinking if I just continue to say I will do it, I will eventually climb over this wall of fear and anxiety and just do it.
2 weeks left and then my adventure to Europe continues. So far my adventures are going to take me to London and Germany. Bill and I would really like to go to Poland, but we are having a hard time figuring out how to get there and get back to Glasgow in time for our flights back God-Bless-America. I'm excited. In Edinburgh last week, we went on a pub crawl with our hostel and met lots of travellers who have been travelling for weeks and weeks and it got me all riled up about exploring the world. At the same time, I do miss my friends, especially my roomies. My sister friends.
Well dang, it started to rain again. The one time I forget my rain jacket. Keep it real.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Ay, brotha.

From the wee island of Scotland, I write you.

That was my attempt at being Scottish. I got nothing. So, yes here I am sitting in my dorm room which is four floors up from Scottish soil, so that's pretty neat. It really is beautiful here. That's what does it for me - architecture and nature. The kindness of the people is just a cherry on top. A very large cherry, because they are so kind.

I sit with Jack (short for Jackie) and Frances in class and I have really enjoyed getting to know them. They have lived in Glasgow all their lives and seem to be just normal women working and living and wanting to do what they can to help those less fortunate. They aren't showy or pushy or act like know-it-alls, but rather are very humble in their expressions.

Travelling with Americans is bothersome, especially Americans that are hard for me to love. There are a few people in our group that I instantly am put off by their personalities of being aggressive and controlling. I just keep quiet, put in my iPod when need be, and ask God for a wee bit more patience and love that I can seem to create on my own. I can already see a little bit of the plans and lessons God has in store for me on this trip.

It's going to be good though, I just know it. I really am having fun and will get to see so many castles!!!

Love, love, love.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Bon Voyage to Myself

I never cry out of happiness. I reserve my tears for pain and misunderstanding, not for joy because I think it is so strange to cry when you're excited. But today, I cried. And I wasn't sad. I was overcome with gifts for my trip from Aunt Janice and Lala and Pa. You see, my dad's side of the family is vastly different from my mom's side of the family. Different social classes, different ideals, different ways of living. My dad's side is so apparently full of the Holy Spirit, recognizing God in all that they do. Not to say that my mom's family isn't, but it is just visibly different.
They don't have a lot to give, but they give. I don't expect it and their generosity constantly surprises me.
I am so selfish most of the time, that this lesson is such a joy to learn over and over. It was when I opened my card from Lala and Pa that I just started to cry. Money is just money and it doesn't mean a whole lot to me, but it was their intentions of love and caring for me that was too much. How do they possess this? Lala and Pa are well into their 80s, meaning they have given up their whole lives for God. They have moved to Puerto Rico for God, they have opened a Christian retreat center for God. They give and give and give, and are still giving. It blows my mind.

I want to be like that. I need to be like that. Generosity.

With that said, here I go, with my thoughts on generosity, with the love of my friends and family, with a million hour plane ride ahead of me, with my brain opened wide. I'll see you in Scotland.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008


Hanging out with Emily last night made me aware of leaving. It was the kind of hanging out where we are in our pjs, listening to music, talking about who knows what. Pretty cinematic, if you ask me. I'm ready to go, I'm excited about going, buuut I am going to be living with women. WOMEN. Sure, I'm a woman (I still feel like a 14 year old girl), but these women are really women. Some are mothers. Frankly, I'm weirded out. There will be no videoed interviews about glo sticks and Saturn. Nor will there be Batman masks and staying up late just to talk. Or maybe there will be. Maybe I will be surprised. I love surprises.

Packing is lame. I've listed out every item I need to take. By developing categories (small t-shirts, big t-shirts, nice shirts, etc) and then identifying the specific color of each item. Then I can easily cross it off. I've never been more organized and less organized at the same time. I mean, my room is a wreck. Again.

I have something to add to my Things To Do Before I Die list as well:
Spend the night on a house boat.

Monday, June 2, 2008

I am a follower, it's true. I used to have a blog back in high school and when I moved to college, I retired it. have a looksy if you feel so inclined.

What's new?
I leave Friday and am excited. Mainly I've been focusing on where I am going to travel and who I am going to meet and what I'm going to eat [and drink!], but every once in a while I remember, oh yeah I'll be in class for 3 hours 4 days a week. I get to learn! I get to teach my perspective. I am curious how this trip will change me, how it will develop my plans and my future.

Oh future, you are so elusive. and annoying.