I need someone to talk to. Someone I don't really know, someone who isn't emotional, someone who isn't a relative. Someone who can provide guidance and answers. Someone who can understand and doesn't have their own issues to sort through.

Every time communion is offered at church, it feels like a test. Do I believe enough to take it? Do I believe to little to take it? If I take it and I don't believe enough, I don't want my heart to be closed off. So I haven't been taking it. I don't know if I believe. But it's so ingrained in me I wonder if it is even possible for me to not believe.

And what am I even believing in? What if I don't believe in sin, then I don't need grace and I wouldn't need Jesus. It seems to me that sin is this religious construct to convince people that they need salvation.

Then there is the fact that because I was raised in a Christian home I have certain values and morals that fit in the Christian community. They are accepted and the opposite of what I hold is what is strange and scoffed at. But when I enter the secular community, my ideals are treated strangely. I feel conflicted and detached.

I don't know how to make up my own mind. I don't know how to think for myself. I feel like I'm letting people down by not being a strong Godly woman. I just can't be. I don't see a reason.