Sometimes I forget how well I know myself. I forget about the things I need to make me tick, the types of relationships that water my soul, and the weaknesses I bring to any relationship.
Sometimes I forget and I wonder why I'm unhappy, why I'm frustrated and sad. I feel desperate to fit in (I thought this feeling would disappear once I graduated high school) and it's painful when the feeling isn't met. When I feel excluded and uninvited. It draws on my insecurities that derive from 4th grade when I was one of 2 in my class that wasn't invited to Maggie's birthday party - she lived down the street from me.
I'm a loner. I think I always will be. I fade in and out of people's lives because it hurts too much to be rejected, to depend on people for my sanity and feeling of belonging. So if I just become satisfied with being alone, then surely I'll protect myself from those feelings of hurt and betrayal and exclusion. Right?
Wrong. It doesn't work that way. In a TED Talk, J.K. Rowling states that failure creates success. I would go as far to say that failure in relationship creates success. Though my mom is no J.K. Rowling, she once said (I've mentioned this in a blog post before...) that a relationship isn't as strong until someone gets hurt and forgiveness is exchanged. Until then the relationship consists of egg shells. People avoiding the pain, consciously or unconsciously.
It's funny. I preach and preach to my nomads that communication is key, that relationships is key. And I believe it whole heartedly. I love being in community with people... but only to a certain point. To that point where I can back out and no one gets hurt.
But I do know myself enough to know that alone time gives me energy. I can wade through all the bullshit that comes with building relationships, if only I have time alone. That's the positive effect from being excluded....
