Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I'm such the skeptic of sincerity. Are people truly genuine and sincere? I'm a cynic and a pessimist disguised as a realist. I call it being realistic, but it's really just being negative.

How do I break? How do I give people the benefit of the doubt without regarding their intentions as tainted and malice?

Remember when my roommate Emjay said "I am a rock. I am an island." and we told her "No! You are not alone. If you are an island, then we are all islands in a little cluster. An arpeggio." But are we really? It's so much easier to be alone and not have to depend on others to exist. Especially when you live in a constant state of questioning others' intentions.

Sigh, I am my father's daughter. Silver linings are hard to find in this book.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Bags under my eyes. Grease on my skin. I'm tired.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Sard Yales

I think I've found a new obsession. Yard sales.

Who knew they could be so fun? And so cheap?! Yesterday I stopped by two on my way to the ol' Target, and got quite a bit of stuff for $2.50. It was unreal and quite a bit of fun.

I've always had a weak knee and soft spot in my heart for thrifting, but this is a whole new arena that I never knew existed. People selling their once-treasures to others for next to nothing. To rid their closests? To make a buck? To give others a chance for something "new?"

So what did I get for $2.50?
  1. A cute, little, and blue suitcase
  2. Cookie tins
  3. Silver mirror tray
  4. Book of LA Maps from 1996
  5. A knick knack in a shade of my new favorite color
  6. Sunglasses case

Sunday, February 6, 2011

My, My Mind - Apex Manor

Knowing Myself

Sometimes I forget how well I know myself. I forget about the things I need to make me tick, the types of relationships that water my soul, and the weaknesses I bring to any relationship.

Sometimes I forget and I wonder why I'm unhappy, why I'm frustrated and sad. I feel desperate to fit in (I thought this feeling would disappear once I graduated high school) and it's painful when the feeling isn't met. When I feel excluded and uninvited. It draws on my insecurities that derive from 4th grade when I was one of 2 in my class that wasn't invited to Maggie's birthday party - she lived down the street from me.

I'm a loner. I think I always will be. I fade in and out of people's lives because it hurts too much to be rejected, to depend on people for my sanity and feeling of belonging. So if I just become satisfied with being alone, then surely I'll protect myself from those feelings of hurt and betrayal and exclusion. Right?

Wrong. It doesn't work that way. In a TED Talk, J.K. Rowling states that failure creates success. I would go as far to say that failure in relationship creates success. Though my mom is no J.K. Rowling, she once said (I've mentioned this in a blog post before...) that a relationship isn't as strong until someone gets hurt and forgiveness is exchanged. Until then the relationship consists of egg shells. People avoiding the pain, consciously or unconsciously.

It's funny. I preach and preach to my nomads that communication is key, that relationships is key. And I believe it whole heartedly. I love being in community with people... but only to a certain point. To that point where I can back out and no one gets hurt.

But I do know myself enough to know that alone time gives me energy. I can wade through all the bullshit that comes with building relationships, if only I have time alone. That's the positive effect from being excluded....