Sometimes I forget and I wonder why I'm unhappy, why I'm frustrated and sad. I feel desperate to fit in (I thought this feeling would disappear once I graduated high school) and it's painful when the feeling isn't met. When I feel excluded and uninvited. It draws on my insecurities that derive from 4th grade when I was one of 2 in my class that wasn't invited to Maggie's birthday party - she lived down the street from me.
I'm a loner. I think I always will be. I fade in and out of people's lives because it hurts too much to be rejected, to depend on people for my sanity and feeling of belonging. So if I just become satisfied with being alone, then surely I'll protect myself from those feelings of hurt and betrayal and exclusion. Right?
Wrong. It doesn't work that way. In a TED Talk, J.K. Rowling states that failure creates success. I would go as far to say that failure in relationship creates success. Though my mom is no J.K. Rowling, she once said (I've mentioned this in a blog post before...) that a relationship isn't as strong until someone gets hurt and forgiveness is exchanged. Until then the relationship consists of egg shells. People avoiding the pain, consciously or unconsciously.
It's funny. I preach and preach to my nomads that communication is key, that relationships is key. And I believe it whole heartedly. I love being in community with people... but only to a certain point. To that point where I can back out and no one gets hurt.
But I do know myself enough to know that alone time gives me energy. I can wade through all the bullshit that comes with building relationships, if only I have time alone. That's the positive effect from being excluded....
hello dear. thank you, as usual, for your transparency. i think it's interesting - and great - that you can recognize that elementary-school moment that scarred you, marked your life. I have that moment from when I was 5, in kindergarden. The moment that planted the lie in my spirit. And then, a life of repeated experiences only help that lie grow, grow, grow. But here's the truth, to combat the lies we've believed:
ReplyDeleteYou are inexpressably valuable! You can be, and ARE, good at relationships, even though it's scary and there will ALWAYS be room to grow and improve and learn! Yes, there will be pain, because we're all human and we're all hurt and we've all believed lies that affect us. But I would LOVE to hang out with you! And even if there should come a day or a moment in which I don't want to, GOD ALWAYS WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH YOU AND HE WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF YOU, OR THINK YOU'RE BORING, OR GIVE UP ON YOUR "POOR RELATIONSHIP SKILLS" (as maybe you've labled them).
p.s. You don't have to be okay with God (on your terms or anyone else's opinion of what that should look like) for him to want to hang out. he just does! always! which is really hard to grasp, understand, imagine... sometimes we need someone with skin! ...HE INVENTED RELATIONSHIP, too!