Tuesday, August 26, 2008

A little linkage to pass along to you my friends. I got it off another girl's livejournal. She doesn't know I read her livejournal. I don't even know her. Call me creepy. But just watch my knowledge grow.


Thursday, August 14, 2008


My quest has begun. My quest is to find me. I don't know how I am going to do it, but the first step was to say that I don't know who I am. I know who I was raised to be, I know who my friends say I am, I know who I am in the presence of others, but I don't know me.

Ask me what my favorite color is. I don't know.

Ask me what kind of music I like. I don't know.

Ask me if I believe in God. I don't know.

Ask me why I want to be a social worker. I don't know.

I don't have any answers. I'm a sponge and have absorbed everything around me. Now it's time to squeeze out the excess and retain what is me.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I need someone to talk to. Someone I don't really know, someone who isn't emotional, someone who isn't a relative. Someone who can provide guidance and answers. Someone who can understand and doesn't have their own issues to sort through.

Every time communion is offered at church, it feels like a test. Do I believe enough to take it? Do I believe to little to take it? If I take it and I don't believe enough, I don't want my heart to be closed off. So I haven't been taking it. I don't know if I believe. But it's so ingrained in me I wonder if it is even possible for me to not believe.

And what am I even believing in? What if I don't believe in sin, then I don't need grace and I wouldn't need Jesus. It seems to me that sin is this religious construct to convince people that they need salvation.

Then there is the fact that because I was raised in a Christian home I have certain values and morals that fit in the Christian community. They are accepted and the opposite of what I hold is what is strange and scoffed at. But when I enter the secular community, my ideals are treated strangely. I feel conflicted and detached.

I don't know how to make up my own mind. I don't know how to think for myself. I feel like I'm letting people down by not being a strong Godly woman. I just can't be. I don't see a reason.