Sunday, October 26, 2008

yoo-hoo passion, where are you?

Today at work I helped a woman custom frame some art. She had a soft voice and a pleasant attitude, although she was a bit indecisive, but I can't hold that against her - she's one of my kind. We started asking me about where I was in school and what I was studying and all the questions that come along with the topic by default. I mentioned that I used to be a social work major and it was something I still wanted to do. She then went on to say that she thought I would be very good at that job, and she listed off some attributes she had noticed about me. While she was telling me this I couldn't understand why. How did she know that I was feeling so lost about my future, that I was rethinking everything I wanted to do? Why did she feel the need to be so uplifting towards me and be so kind and gentle in everything she said? Does she have any clue that I'm blogging about her right now?

I also mentioned the Peace corps and she told me I should do it. She said, "this is the time to do it when you don't have any responsibilities holding you back." I told her I know. I do know this. It's so scary though. It's that issue of security that I want, but don't want.

It makes me believe in God a little more. It makes me want to do big things with my life. It makes me want to be the change I want to see in the world. It stirs my bones.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


I went to Kentucky to visit my sister and brother-in-law this weekend, for fall break. It was a good time. It was a good environment to be in - I needed that.

They are good people. They are exactly who I thought I would be, who I thought I wanted to be. They have good friends, they are healthy, they are active, they are down to earth, they are Christians, they don't drink or curse or smoke. Granted, they are living in a Christian bubble. I see it, and I was in it all weekend, but it wasn't stuffy and it wasn't exhausting. Going to church was a little strange and praying before every meal was out of the ordinary, but it was alright. They are understanding and loving people. It makes realize what I gave up. By going to a public university, by having non-Christian friends, by studying abroad, by thinking about what I believe. I look at them and I see security. They have secure jobs, secure relationships, secure faiths. It is so appealing. It makes me want to model my life just like them.

But then I remember how much security scares, how little adventure I see in it.

It was very appealing though. I feel so far removed from my Christian bubble. And I feel pretty comfortable where I am at now. I want to mesh the two worlds, but I don't see that it's feasible. Is it? I feel like I have to choose, and I don't wanna.

The trip also made me want to get married. Getting ahead of myself much?

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Angst and teenage melodrama

I have two theories relating to men folk:
1. All men are wusses. Generalization it may be - it's true. Todos los hombres do not step up and say hey, let's talk. They beat around the bush and I refuse to be the man in the relationship. I'm a feminist egalitarian who appreciates gender roles.
2. There are few good men left and none of them are in Greensboro or single or breathing or not related to me. Now this is in relation to Theory 1. All the cute ones have issues and all the nice ones couldn't handle my issues. And all the nice ones are wusses. It's a circle, you see.

I need Garrison Keillor to explain to me the facts of life and tell me that's just the way it is.

I bought "The Reason for God" by Timothy Keller. I'm nervous and excited about reading it. Part of me doesn't want answers. Another part of me doesn't want answers from a Christian pastor. And another part of me wants to believe it all because it would just be easier that way.