My weekly Thursday lunch date hit the nail on the head yesterday when she said that I should let go feeling guilty for not measuring up to what I think people expect of a 'Christian woman.' If I let go of this, will there be anything left to draw me to Christianity? I don't think my friends or potential friends or roommates, especially those who do believe, can handle my cynicism or my critique or my disbelief. I already feel the strain that this has on some of my relationships. And every time I meet a nice Christian person, I think about how they'll turn their back once they know about the jumble of thoughts I am thinking.

Greg summed it up rather nicely. All the assumptions I had about Christians, about the faith became my pillars for it all making sense. They are exploding. Without these foundations, what's the point then of believing in the Christian God? I'm not scared of sin, I'm not scared of hell. The only thing I am truly fearful of is the rejection of my family and the disappointment of my friends.

For example, things are somewhat stressful these days, but it's nothing I can't handle. Am I believing the lie that I was taught exists? That being self sufficiency. Maybe I am, but maybe self sufficiency isn't such a terrible concept.

I have all these thoughts that morph into other thoughts. It's frustrating to not have factual answers. It all comes back to faith and belief, and I just don't know if I buy it anymore.