Drowning in Papers

What a scary way to die. Not being able to breath because you're stuck at the bottom, surrounded by a giant pool of papers. Paper cuts are the worst.

So, I'm sitting here in the SuperLab writing about Symbolic Interactionism. Basically this theory says that no interaction is genuine. We are all actors, speaking scripts, reacting to props, and acting as we want the audience (the other people in the situation) to interpret it. That when we talk to each other, it isn't sincere or caring, but we say what we think we need to say in order to give off a certain impression. Erving Goffman says that sometimes this is conscious, but sometimes it isn't. Sometimes we are so accustomed to the tradition of certain roles, that our actions and our speech come easily and unconsciously.

Isn't this a downer? I am slowly losing my faith in humanity. A few months back, I defended the goodness of people to a friend. She said that this reality is too harsh, that people suck and that's why she believed in God. She needed an alternate escape. A pure goodness, one that wasn't fair-weathered. But I don't know, she might be right. If nothing is true, if interactions aren't sincere and are mere responses as warranted, then maybe reality is harsh.

My new question for myself, is how do I mend this?

Pump it UP

For an assignment I had to listen to Jeffrey Sachs give a talk on the future of globalization. Listening to him list out how the world is in jeopardy of becoming over populated, of depleting energy sources, and of the rich getting richer and poor getting poorer, makes my skin itch. (And no it's not because I am participating in No Shave November.) I want to get out. I want to go. I want to be a part of something big, something revolutionary, something moving. It's not just a desire to be a part of something, it's a desire to affect, to change, to impact the future, to make this world a better place for the next generation. For the millions of children who will be born into war-torn areas, into severe poverty.

I feel stuck. Have I said this before? I can't imagine myself doing anything post-graduation. Or rather I can imagine myself doing so many things, but I feel so small and trapped in this secure, American, middle class lifestyle. I don't want to miss out on life here, on my best friend getting married, on siblings continuing their lives with possibilities of marriage and children and new furniture. It's exciting times and I'm a wuss. A wuss with ambition.

Today during class I was thinking about how I can't predict the future. I was sitting there looking at my black socks with my brown moccasins and knew that I have no idea what I will be doing next Monday. No clue. That's annoying.

La Rage

first, watch and read the subtitles.
then, watch again but focus on the images.

Moving Forward. New Ideas. New Solutions.

I just finished reading an article in The New York Times about Barack Obama's preparation for becoming president in January. I'm excited. You know how sometimes you can feel your heart smiling? Obama made a lot of promises and his agenda for change is extensive, perhaps unrealistic. But without idealism, without standards for the quality of life, without expectations, then what is the point of changing - if there is no ultimate, ideal way of life. I can't wait for all children to have healthcare. I'm excited to see how our government pressures rebel groups in Africa to stop fighting. I hope Obama will remember the Americorps and the Peace Corps like he said. I'm nervous and pumped to see what the new administration can accomplish, what the new Senate and House of Representatives will declare as important.

My politically conscious, Canadian friend congratulated America for making a good decision.

Jaded

I'm ready to move far, far away from this land.

yoo-hoo passion, where are you?

Today at work I helped a woman custom frame some art. She had a soft voice and a pleasant attitude, although she was a bit indecisive, but I can't hold that against her - she's one of my kind. We started asking me about where I was in school and what I was studying and all the questions that come along with the topic by default. I mentioned that I used to be a social work major and it was something I still wanted to do. She then went on to say that she thought I would be very good at that job, and she listed off some attributes she had noticed about me. While she was telling me this I couldn't understand why. How did she know that I was feeling so lost about my future, that I was rethinking everything I wanted to do? Why did she feel the need to be so uplifting towards me and be so kind and gentle in everything she said? Does she have any clue that I'm blogging about her right now?

I also mentioned the Peace corps and she told me I should do it. She said, "this is the time to do it when you don't have any responsibilities holding you back." I told her I know. I do know this. It's so scary though. It's that issue of security that I want, but don't want.

It makes me believe in God a little more. It makes me want to do big things with my life. It makes me want to be the change I want to see in the world. It stirs my bones.

Family

I went to Kentucky to visit my sister and brother-in-law this weekend, for fall break. It was a good time. It was a good environment to be in - I needed that.

They are good people. They are exactly who I thought I would be, who I thought I wanted to be. They have good friends, they are healthy, they are active, they are down to earth, they are Christians, they don't drink or curse or smoke. Granted, they are living in a Christian bubble. I see it, and I was in it all weekend, but it wasn't stuffy and it wasn't exhausting. Going to church was a little strange and praying before every meal was out of the ordinary, but it was alright. They are understanding and loving people. It makes realize what I gave up. By going to a public university, by having non-Christian friends, by studying abroad, by thinking about what I believe. I look at them and I see security. They have secure jobs, secure relationships, secure faiths. It is so appealing. It makes me want to model my life just like them.

But then I remember how much security scares, how little adventure I see in it.

It was very appealing though. I feel so far removed from my Christian bubble. And I feel pretty comfortable where I am at now. I want to mesh the two worlds, but I don't see that it's feasible. Is it? I feel like I have to choose, and I don't wanna.

The trip also made me want to get married. Getting ahead of myself much?