A little linkage to pass along to you my friends. I got it off another girl's livejournal. She doesn't know I read her livejournal. I don't even know her. Call me creepy. But just watch my knowledge grow.

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Identity

My quest has begun. My quest is to find me. I don't know how I am going to do it, but the first step was to say that I don't know who I am. I know who I was raised to be, I know who my friends say I am, I know who I am in the presence of others, but I don't know me.

Ask me what my favorite color is. I don't know.

Ask me what kind of music I like. I don't know.

Ask me if I believe in God. I don't know.

Ask me why I want to be a social worker. I don't know.

I don't have any answers. I'm a sponge and have absorbed everything around me. Now it's time to squeeze out the excess and retain what is me.

I need someone to talk to. Someone I don't really know, someone who isn't emotional, someone who isn't a relative. Someone who can provide guidance and answers. Someone who can understand and doesn't have their own issues to sort through.

Every time communion is offered at church, it feels like a test. Do I believe enough to take it? Do I believe to little to take it? If I take it and I don't believe enough, I don't want my heart to be closed off. So I haven't been taking it. I don't know if I believe. But it's so ingrained in me I wonder if it is even possible for me to not believe.

And what am I even believing in? What if I don't believe in sin, then I don't need grace and I wouldn't need Jesus. It seems to me that sin is this religious construct to convince people that they need salvation.

Then there is the fact that because I was raised in a Christian home I have certain values and morals that fit in the Christian community. They are accepted and the opposite of what I hold is what is strange and scoffed at. But when I enter the secular community, my ideals are treated strangely. I feel conflicted and detached.

I don't know how to make up my own mind. I don't know how to think for myself. I feel like I'm letting people down by not being a strong Godly woman. I just can't be. I don't see a reason.

Ending, Beginning

Tonight is the last night I live with Emily. At least for now. She has plans for future roommates after graduation, but maybe we will be able to live together again. Maybe when we are both married. That would be fun.

I'm home. Let's hang out.

bill's blog as dictated to leah

I love spoons. They have round ends and a fun handle. I enjoy eating yogurt with them. I also enjoy that movie, Robinhood, with Kevin Costner, you know the one, where the sheriff talks about eating that guys' heart out with a spoon...come on, you know, because it would hurt more. I don't like it when Leah corrects my grammar and sentence structure. Blogs don't have to have proper sentence structure - they are blogs. That is all.

Oh, one more thing. Leah is pretty. Yes, yes. I repeat myself, I repeat myself. Often, often.

Now. That is all.

Thank You..

..to my high school for requiring me to take a keyboarding class. Compared to these foreigners (aka. people who are not me) I look so high tech and awesome. A little self-esteem boost is necessary sometimes.

..to my university for requiring me to take a communications class. Even though I almost poop in my pants everytime I have to give a speech, my nerves apparently don't shine through. Without this class, however, I'd look a fool.

..to the Aussies that are staying in our room. You boys are so good looking. (Thank you to God for making them that way).

..NOT to Hitler. I can't believe that man was in power for so long, and SO many people encouraged and supported his radical behaviours for so long.

So, those are my thank yous for now.

Today Bill and I went to the Sachsenhausen concentration camp, which existed from 1936-1945. I couldn't believe what I was seeing and thinking about the thousands of people who died there, even after the war when the Russians used the space as an internment camp for POWs. It was sickening to think about it. Even in the concentration camp the Jews were seperated from all the other prisoners - they were seen as unworthy to be among the others. Anyone the SS saw as deeming threat to the Reich, Hitler's govern, were captured, Jews were just one sector of the whole. This concentration camp only housed about 60,000 prisoners, so I can only imagine what Aushwitz was like.

Tomorrow we are going to Frankfurt bright and early at 8.00 am and we will spend two nights there. Less than a week left - very interesting.