My weekly Thursday lunch date hit the nail on the head yesterday when she said that I should let go feeling guilty for not measuring up to what I think people expect of a 'Christian woman.' If I let go of this, will there be anything left to draw me to Christianity? I don't think my friends or potential friends or roommates, especially those who do believe, can handle my cynicism or my critique or my disbelief. I already feel the strain that this has on some of my relationships. And every time I meet a nice Christian person, I think about how they'll turn their back once they know about the jumble of thoughts I am thinking.

Greg summed it up rather nicely. All the assumptions I had about Christians, about the faith became my pillars for it all making sense. They are exploding. Without these foundations, what's the point then of believing in the Christian God? I'm not scared of sin, I'm not scared of hell. The only thing I am truly fearful of is the rejection of my family and the disappointment of my friends.

For example, things are somewhat stressful these days, but it's nothing I can't handle. Am I believing the lie that I was taught exists? That being self sufficiency. Maybe I am, but maybe self sufficiency isn't such a terrible concept.

I have all these thoughts that morph into other thoughts. It's frustrating to not have factual answers. It all comes back to faith and belief, and I just don't know if I buy it anymore.

Put on your diaper and watch this. Be aware, you might pee in your pants.

Pa says hello

I talked to Pa on the phone today. He's been in the hospital for over a month and half now. He was sedated and on a ventilator for two of those weeks and unresponsive for close to four. But I talked to him on the phone today! He congratulated me on graduating and asked me to come back to North Carolina as soon as possible to visit. His facts are a little askew, but still. The smallest accomplishments are the biggest.

...


This is a website that you can use for your analyzing and decision making processes for the presidential election in November. It's seems to be impartial investigating all 'slime' committed against all four candidates (plus other politicians out there).

Linkage

Drunk on hope

There are things that I enjoy. One of them is perspective. Another is tact, but today I like perspective. It's so refreshing to find people willing to engage in talking about perspectives. Why do you think that way? What were you taught or what did you see that made you develop that assumption about life? One of my teachers is a total douche, but I can't help but respect his very unique perspective. His 'punk rock, divorced, knows the components of heroine, thinks Dick Cheney is evil, owns 14 guitars and wants one more' perspective.

I also am enjoying my walks to and from school. It only adds up to 30-40 minutes everyday, some days it's twice that, but regardless I am so grateful. I've only gotten honked at once, and whistled at once. I was listening to a podcast one day and it was funny so I laughed at the most inopportune moment as a man drove by. He smiled and waved at me. It was uncomfortable. I told Valerie we could start running and shave valuable time off our walks. She wasn't fond of the idea. Yeah. She's probably right. Running with a book bag is never smooth.

I want to look stupid.

I was listening to Prairie Home Companion: News from Lake Wobegon on podcast today as I walked home from school. Garrison was talking about the men in Lake Wobegon all get together at the fair and drink this grape wine. It's a fraternal meeting. Women aren't allowed because the men don't want there to be any judging and Garrison said something to this effect: "Whenever you are having a really wonderful time, you don't look that good. Whenever your heart is filled with joy you look stupid. The next time you experience ecstasy look in the mirror and see if I'm not right. You look dumb."

It's funny. It's true. That's what I want out of life. A good time. Euphoria. I'm tired of being worried all the time about what I am going to do when I graduate. Or who I'm going to date. Or if my friends care. Or if I look cool. Yeah, sadly, I still care about these things. I realize they are trivial, always have, but it is still a daily battle with my insecurities over these issues. Garrison gives me hope though. Judgment may ensue, but I want to look stupid.

I feel hopeful. And that is a feeling that has been long forgotten.

Chick fil a free chicken strips give away today. Holler!

Now that I don't live with my best friends anymore and have the privilege of hanging out with them at most anytime, I have realized the minimal amount of friends I do have. I need to make new friends. I need to become cool first so people will want to be my friend.

I'm gonna go eat my chicken now.