It's been a hard transition being out here, joining a new team, living with 17 new roommates, dealing with the same old identity and social issues, etc. I'm interested to see what will happen and who I will become by the end of this commitment.
Sometimes I wonder if I purposefully put myself into really tough situations or if I create the stress and difficulty which surrounds tough situations. Maybe the experiences I find myself in aren't as bad as I make them out to be. Maybe if I just put on a brighter smile and had a better attitude, I wouldn't feel so strained and beaten and deserted.
I've realized many, many things about myself in the last week. Put me on an island by myself for weeks on end and I would be happy. Put me in a crowded room with people all the time, I wouldn't make it. I love being alone. But I also really value the friendships that I have - those friends that I feel comfortable with to hang around and not speak. You know the kind. I feel as if since August of last year I have been working hard to make friends, but have only escaped with a few. I've been committing small talk for the past year. On the road, every day new faces, same questions. I'm so tired of talking and asking questions and being the friend. I want to be pursued by a new friend.
Goodness, I wish I could play God. I do. It would make my life so much more simple.
Leah, feel free to call this friend any time you need to.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I like that you said "committing small talk"--like its a crime! :) Sometimes it feels like a crime. I guess it is a necessary evil.
All this to say, I know how you feel. I felt like this a lot during my time with IV.