1st Time Sailor

Marking Time

2012-02-15T19:32:00.000-08:00

Breathe, Leah, breathe. This time next week you will be in the airport waiting to board your plane to begin your (ugh) 15ish hour journey to Hawaii. Even though it ain't the prettiest set up of traveling, you'll still be on your way! And one can never complain when I am traversing across an ocean to a tiny island by way of FLIGHT.

In the meantime, I am trying my darnedest to enjoy the here and now. Which means that I am trying to do "L.A. things" that I've been meaning to do. On Monday, Marshall and I hopped on the train and rode it North several stops to the city of Watts. The historic Watts riots happened here, after the Rodney King shooting, so there is a history of racial tension, as well as poverty. It's improved since then, but still remains as a predominately non-white, lower income neighborhood.

On our way to our destination, Marshall and I saw this rad staircase and as we stopped to take pictures, we definitely got heckled at by some middle school kids. I laughed cuz I was skeered. Kids are so mean!

We moseyed on over to the Watts Towers, which was our final destination, and my final "L.A. thing" to see. The Watts Towers boils down to being beautiful folk art. The story goes that a man named Simon Rosia, in 1921, began to build these cement sculptures/towers (ordained with reclaimed materials like glass, tile, bottles, rocks, etc.) in his backyard and continued to work on it for 34 years.

He did it all by hand and after he sold the property to a neighbor and it got lost in the shuffle of property exchange, it finally got into the hands of a preservation council and is now considered a historic site! Pretty badass, huh?

If you ever come to L.A., GO HERE. Make sure you take a friend, cuz it's kind of sketch, but GO!

Vitamin D and South Bay Pride

2012-02-11T15:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was outside ALL DAY. It was incredible - first, my pal Marshall and I and others went to the Korean Friendship Bell in San Pedro and took in both this view and some Mexican comfort food. Some of you might know Marshall - he toured for IC and came through Greensboro with his team and hustled down EmJack at a screening, I think?

Then we traipsed around the rest of South Bay, driving along the coast, exploring little towns and parks that I had never seen before. Amazing. Apparently The OC was filmed at some locations in South Bay. Who knew?! We also stopped by Torrance High School where Buffy was filmed, along with She's All That, Beverly Hills 90210, and Not Another Teen Movie.

Marshall was Mr. Tourist/photographer for the day, so I don't have many pictures, but I'm sure that he filled up his memory card. You would have thought he had never been to California before...

A day in the sun was just what I needed to get a boost of energy and not feel so jaded about not doing much during this period of limbo. I think I'm ready for spectacular views every day. Hawaii, get here already!

Artsy Fartsy

2012-02-06T13:46:00.000-08:00

This weekend I went into L.A. to meet up with my current roommate, Angel. After making one Spanish speaking friend on the train, being utterly confused and nervously overwhelmed on the bus, and making a big dent in the book I was reading ("Pigs in Heaven" by Barbara Kingsolver), I made it to the L.A. County Museum of Art. It had some pretty cool exhibits set up and I was able to sneak into a couple of them.

This is Angel. She's a walking piece of beautiful art herself.

Those beautiful lights right outside the museum are one of my favorite spots in L.A.

Iconic and beautiful in both the light and dark.

Oh, You Know, Just Another ADVENTURE!

2012-02-02T21:35:00.000-08:00

First, go way back and read this post from January of 2010.

You've read it? Okay, awesome. So, now you're caught up. Approximately two years ago, I was at a crossroads in life. What to do next? I vividly remember writing that post laying in what was once my bedroom and I only saw two options, so I informed my small, but mighty blog audience about them. But there was secretly a third option that dropped in my lap at the last minute and that became exactly what I've been doing for the last 2 years. North Korea focused. Solid, solid times of activism, growth, introspection, and change for the North Korean people. And, in completely superficial terms, I think I got to accomplish a little bit of that Zooey that I wanted. I was able to spruce up my wardrobe, wear skirts and cute thrifted threads on the reg.

Two years later, yet another crossroad. It's a trend in my life. If you know me, then you know that. And now I'm going to accomplish a little bit of Dennis. That's right, folks. I am going to WWOOF in Hawaii come the end of this month! Bucket list. Check.

The ~~short~~ long-ish story: last April I purchased a WWOOF-USA membership on a whim, because it was something I always wanted to do and I hate putting my money to waste, so I knew that if I bought it, I would HAVE to use it. In the mean time, I'm the biggest poser of a WWOOF spokesperson out there - every time someone talks about traveling, I'm like, OMG have you ever thought of WWOOFing? Gab, gab, gab, and I pretend to know all about it, even though I'd never done it and never met anyone who had.

Then it was December and I was finishing my time with LiNK. My talks of WWOOFing over the last year was mainly for me - to plant those seeds inside my own head so that I would actually follow up on something that I knew, deep down, I wanted to do. I initially wanted to go to New Zealand. Who doesn't? BUT airfare alone let me know that now is not the time. And I had my handy-dandy WWOOF-USA membership which included Hawaii and I decided that wouldn't be a terrible place to go in the winter time, right?

Mmm, don't you feel warmer just looking at it?

So, at the end of December, I started reaching out to some pals who I thought would be good travel buddies and emailing some farms. Farmers have emails? Yes. I know, ironic.

I would do it in waves. I would read a farm's profile in my directory, decide if I dug it, then email them. I emailed my favorites first and then my second favorites the next week and so on and so forth. Some farms led me on in the meanest online-dating sense of the phrase. So much hope and so much let down. That happened a few times and was unfortunate. I wanted to go so bad.

So, finally, after my friend from college, Josh, got on board to come, one of the farms I emailed initially wants us! Josh has got all the labor-skills that farmers want and I've got the ability to write a classy email that causes intrigue. It's a dynamic duo, of sorts. At least until we get to the farm and the owners realize that I burn easy and can't carry 10 pounds for more than a few feet. Kidding (sort of - the daily push ups start now).

What they don't know, won't hurt them, until it's too late! And I will be leaving in a few weeks to live near Kona on the Big Island of Hawaii for at least a couple of months, volunteering on a farm (in exchange for room and board), living with a seemingly precious family (husband, wife, 3 young kids), learning how to farm organically and living off the grid.

Aloha, my friends!

Single and Ready to Mingle...

2012-02-02T17:26:00.000-08:00

with my turkey/cheese/hummus sandwich and butternut squash soup! And mingle we did. Or, rather, I scarfed them down in less than 4 minutes. So, tell me, my friends that live thousands of miles away from me (AND those that don't), what did YOU have for lunch?

Is my blog becoming an Instagram for the iPhoneless? Sigh, I need some more content. I've been thinking a lot about this silly idea of love and attachment lately, so maybe, juuust maybe, I'll share those thoughts later :)

Home Sweet Home

2012-02-01T16:32:00.000-08:00

Thrift stores are my mecca and retail therapy is a very real and healthy way to resolve life. Doctor recommended. So I took the 61 bus down the street to be in my home away from home.

Walk Around the Block

2012-01-30T19:17:00.002-08:00

Well, I have upheld my vow for one day. Hoorah! And it was the most perfect day to get outside and walk around my temporary neighborhood. Until I reach my next destination, I'm crashing with my friend in Long Beach and she lives in the best neighborhood - I wish I could have captured all of the sounds and smells of the day. Dishes being washed, kids playing, lunch being cooked, ducks quacking, couples talking, motors running. And I can't complain about the 70 degree weather either. Mmmhmm!

Here are some of my favorites from the day:

A Vow (Hopefully).

2012-01-29T16:03:00.000-08:00

No, no, no. Not "The Vow" starring Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum, which ohmygah grab me some gal pals and some/all candies everywhere and let's make a stereotypical "girls night," yeah?

I went to the Annenburg Space for Photography today near Beverly Hills and they had an exhibit called "Digital Darkroom," which was incredibly dope. It magnified modern photographers' use of digital modification to create surreal images that would likely be impossible otherwise. It was amazing. It had an emphasis on 3D images and holy cow, amaziiiiing!

So, this is my vow: To take more pictures. To go on walks everyday and take pictures with my not so glamorous point and shoot in order to capture the world around me so that I won't forget it. And I want to share them on here, not because they are going to be incredible works of art, but so that I can bring you into my daily life.

Here's a picture I took from the summer - it's of the river and valley just beneath our summer cabin in Virginia.

Does the North Star Serve Gelato?

2012-01-16T21:58:00.000-08:00

I recently was given a book called "Finding Your Own North Star" by Martha Beck. It's all about evaluating how you make decisions in your life and figuring out the different voices (she refers to them as "selves" - essential vs. social) which help (knowingly and unknowingly) you to make those decisions, so that you can live the life you were made to live. It all falls in line with this theme in my life: wondering what makes me tick.

So there is this part in the book that I just read which is all about establishing what my self perception is and the fallacies within it. She shares this beautiful story about when she was in college, she and some friends would pitch in, rent a studio, hire a model, and draw. Most of the models matched the social ideal - slender, fit, perfectly proportioned. But one day, they got somebody really different...

"She looked well over sixty, with a deeply lined face and a body that was probably fifty pounds heavier than her doctors would have liked. She'd had a few doctors, too, judging from her scars. Shining purple welts from a cesarean section and knee surgery cut deep rifts in the rippled adipose fat of her lower body. Another scar ran across one side of her chest, where her left breast had once been. When she first limped onto the dais to pose, I felt so much pity and unease that I physically flinched. But we were there to draw her, so I picked up a pencil.

And so, as I began to draw this maimed old woman, the most amazing thing happened. Within five minutes she became a person of absolutely wondrous beauty. She didn't look like a supermodel; she didn't have to. Her body, in and of itself, was as beautiful as a piece of polished driftwood, or a wind-carved rock, or a waterfall.

When this perceptual shift happened, I was so surprised that I stopped drawing and simply stared. The model seemed to notice this, and without turning her head, looked straight into my eyes. Then I saw the ghost of a smile flicker across her face, and I realized something else: She knew she was beautiful. She knew it, and she knew that I'd seen it. Maybe that's why she had consented to pose nude in the first place. Knowing that a roomful of artists couldn't draw her without seeing her--I mean really seeing her--she may have decided to give us a gentle education about our perceptions."

Mmm, self perception. Makes you think, doesn't it? How to truly become in tune with what I've got and what I love about myself vs. what people/society deems lovable and acceptable.

moving forward. forward moving.

2011-12-28T23:46:00.000-08:00

As of 6 days ago, I am officially unemployed. I mean, technically, I still have health insurance until the end of the year and one more pay check coming my way, but nevertheless! I am without a job.

I hung around LA's 75 degree weather for Christmas. Sure, I could have gone home (as my mom often reminds me, "You always have a place to come home to, Leah"), but it's important for me to figure out what to do next on my own. And nothing says independence quite like spending a major holiday 3,000 miles away from your family, right? Anyway, I have been vegging/figuring out what's next for the last few days. Doing a lot of this: (pondering, thinking, being near palm trees, etc)

And, it's been lovely. I've been alone, but haven't been lonely. I've eaten alone in crowded places and haven't minded. And I think tomorrow, I might go to a movie by myself. The introvert that I am is thriving. I've never had so much energy. I'm overjoyed and want to tell everyone about it! Buuuut not really because, duh, being that outgoing would make me nervous and anxious and tired...

This time of respite has been restful and peaceful and healing in many ways, as I've wrapped up a very intense and powerful chapter of my life thus far. A dream accomplished.

Time to move on, figure out other things that make me tick and bring me joy. I need adventure. I need isolation in a non-threatening sort of way. I need to get my hands dirty. I need to get back to nature and to a place where I can't plug in my straightener or hair dryer.

It's out there, I can feel it on my finger tips. I'm on the cusp of something challenging, but great. Mmhm, I'll let you know when I find it.

Sometimes knit happens.

2011-10-26T21:21:00.001-07:00

I done went and got my knitting needles and knitted myself an ol' infinity scarf! It's fall time, y'all. Time to drink hot tea, watch movies, and knit on the weekends. I am well aware that I am wearing a tank top with a scarf. It's California, we do that sort of weird stuff here.

2011-09-04T21:30:00.000-07:00

It's been a good weekend. I've worked on some headbands, I hung up some pictures I'd been meaning to hang, did some laundry, met with my therapist, watched some Parks and Rec, went grocery shopping, bought my niece some cute, thrifted threads. And to top off the weekend, I went for a bike ride this afternoon just before dusk.

It felt wonderful. It was just me and the power of my body pushing me forward with each movement. I become aware of my legs and their toil and strength. As the sun was setting, it felt like fall, even though I was sweating. The air was cool and the sky told me there may have been rainfall earlier.

As I biked through the neighborhoods, I looked towards the sky and saw a rainbow. It was amazing and enthralling.

I couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear. I had to tell someone. I passed a woman who had just parked her car and was walking across the street, talking on the phone. I pointed at the rainbow and told her to not to miss it. As I peddled away, I heard her exclaim to the person she was talking to on the phone.

As I kept biking, I periodically saw people come out of their houses and look up towards the sky. Some took pictures, but some just stood and stared.

Soon the rainbow was stretched and bowed across the entire sky. And soon after, it wasn't alone. Another one appeared above it.

It was awe-inspiring and calming.

Sabbatical Minded

2011-08-22T21:28:00.000-07:00

A brief update of things worthy to note about my life:

1. I've started going to therapy. I've done only a couple of sessions, my third is tomorrow, and I'm still learning how to "do therapy." But I like it. It's weekly, it's helpful, and sometimes I refer to my therapist as a counselor because that sounds less like oh-my-gosh-Leah-is-manic-but-I-never-knew. It's nice to be heard.

2. I created an online dating profile. Yeah. It's true. How else am I gonna meet people out here? I've gone on one date and he was nice, but zero sparks and I haven't talked to him since. We had a really awkward hug/hand shake goodbye.

3. The Nomads are in town and I have thus begun my last tour here at LiNK. It's a bittersweet feeling and these 'mads are really awesome. Couldn't have asked for a better group. We are navigating together the weirdness of putting a group of strangers together, but it ain't fun without some bumps.

4. I don't know what I'm doing post-LiNK, and I'm okay with that. All suggestions are welcome.

5. I can't make myself clean up the pile of clothes on my bedroom floor. I know I need to, but I just can't find the will to do it.

6. I have had a sore throat for the past two days and hate that feeling more than most bad feelings.

2011-07-19T13:23:00.000-07:00

I'm starting my 2nd week back in LA and I can't stop thinking about the lovely times I shared with my family at our cabin in Goshen. I could easily spend another month there. Mmmm.

2011-06-26T16:40:00.000-07:00

Who's the cutest girl with the cutest little belly?

2011-06-18T15:14:00.000-07:00

I've only been home for 1 week and for 6 days, I've been missing LA. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, huh?

BUT it's been lovely to be back in this amazing state of mine. And be with family and friends and have a good ol' time.

I haven't been taking enough pictures, but hopefully I will change that soon.

Coming Home

2011-06-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, OH MY GOODNESS.

In 4 days, I will be on a plane to that humid, summery, southern, Blue Ridge state of mine and I couldn't be more ecstatic. I can't wait to turn my brain off and just soak in the beauty of my family and friends. Know what I mean?

I'm excited to talk with those golden folks that loved and nurtured me through some of those crazy college years (and by crazy I mean angsty and moody, not party-hardy all night long).

Mary, Emilies, Leah, and others will definitely be a part of the mix. Maybe Val, maybe Maggie? Maybe Seth, maybe Ernie? But the for-sures will suffice as they listen to me whine and dream and try to make goals for myself. I hope I'll also be able to be mentally available to listen to their hopes and dreams for their own lives and families.

And oh, my family. Gosh, I go on and on and on and on and... you get the picture... about them. But they are such good people.

My brother and I will be going on a canoeing/camping trip for 3 nights on the New River. I'm planning on making it to the Bluegrass state to see my sister and maybe spend some one on one time with my favorite niece.

And we'll ALL be spending a lovely week together at our rustic cabin in the woods.

The best part is I will have time. Lots and lots of time to squeeze all of these adventures in, all the while leaving me some time to sleep in and watch the Cosby Show at 11AM.

Me is We

2011-05-27T14:08:00.000-07:00

This guy came to our 2nd Semi Annual LiNK Talent Show last night - he's a friend of one of the interns. And he recently sold his truck to make these t-shirts that have the above logo (sort-of) on it. To spread the thought of the collective, the destruction of "I," and the sickness that lies behind "me, me, me."

And I think that sums up the thoughts that have been circulating in my brain as of late. Competition. War. Attention. Spotlights. Look-at-me-attitudes.

Me needs to be we. We need to highlight each other, give the glory to others, raise each others names up for honor and praise. Not ourselves.

Sometimes I wonder why I have so much love for my family. Why I feel so connected to them and often have deep desires to be with them and talk to them. And I think it's because I feel alive and supported when I'm with them. And it's weird because I know that's not the norm. And because of that I feel weird and kind of infant-like when I think about moving home come December. We is the Garrard family.

As I was riding to work today, some high school memories came flooding back. Of when my parents would pick me up from school in our old, yet well kept vans/cars which always had a squealing, loose belt or a muffler that was broken. And I laughed for the solid 15 minute drive to work. Tears streaming down my face, remember how huffy I got at those moments of utter embarrassment.

As embarrassed and mortified as I was growing up, my parents are freaking awesome. They drove me to school and picked me up every day because I was new to town and the bus freaked little 14 year old me out.

And I got a letter from my mom today telling me that she was thinking of me, telling me how proud I should be of what I am doing.

I'm really looking forward to my time at home. Immersing myself in the people who taught me to say what I mean and mean what I say. To be as intentional as possible with my words because words have power to hurt or uplift. To strive to live my life with integrity and truth. To seek construction and not destruction.

2011-05-07T19:16:00.001-07:00

I'm also really ready to be home for a while.

Space needed.

2011-05-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things about Tumblr is exploring the #Prose.

Contrary to advice from past friends, I've always thought matters of the heart are silly for me to be concerned with. However, it's utterly impossible to ignore the twinge of pain in my physical heart muscle and the heaviness that lies on my shoulders when it comes to the matters of the heart that do exist.

And as I explore #Prose, I wade into the sorrows and romantic confessions and missed opportunities and sadness that is a universal and natural obsession by people. The majority of these strangers' writings are about love and loss. They give advice to speak up about your heart's desires and they lament with the pain that comes with breakups and the passing of affection.

With that said, all that is left to say is, BLARGH.

2011-04-30T20:12:00.000-07:00

I'm tumblin' and rollin' all over the place! Follow me and watch what I post - pssst it's the things that make my heart sing.

my tumblr

2011-04-23T22:36:00.001-07:00

If only love could really be this easy and uncomplicated, huh? Can I get an 'amen?'

The Sound of Silence

2011-04-21T20:59:00.001-07:00

I like silence.

Is it because I'm constantly thinking and have too much happening in my own brain to care what other people have to say? Is it because I don't have anything interesting to say, or really anything to say at all? Am I a fan of silence because it makes people feel awkward?

Some of my favorite relationships are with those that enjoy to just be. To just sit and enjoy the silence. To sit and watch the waves and just soak life in. Side by side.

I appreciate the silence and find it to, often, say more than words can.

Or maybe I just get tired of hearing people talk...

So, maybe everyone should just stop talking and watch this video.

2011-04-10T22:12:00.000-07:00

My good friend Adam Moser is an artist and a grad student up in Portland, doing his thing by binding art with community. Before he left Greensboro, he and some friends set up Spare Room, which is their project to start fueling the art community in Greensboro. Check out this video. I hope you leave feeling inspired.

In other news, a fun day of biking and lounging outside has left my forehead and forearms resembling lobsters.

Posterity

2011-04-08T18:18:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in a bar one evening with a friend that I hadn't spoken to in a really long time. Let's just say, our departure from each other wasn't mutual and wasn't clear. So, after a good 6 months, we reconnected because everyone needs resolution.

As we were recounting the people we were when we knew each other he said, "My old self dies when I move on and I'll never be that person again, even if I wish I could."

I disagreed. The old us never dies. Sure we age and we grow, but we will always be a different version of ourselves and the old versions are still a part of us. When you add strawberries to a slice of cheesecake, it's still cheesecake. Yeah?

I think for a lot of us, this can be incredibly scary, especially when we don't want the old us to be around anymore, when we are trying desperately to escape, to redefine, to change. But it can be incredibly positive when we lose touch with our hearts and ambition. To know that the girl with the idealism to change the world and give everyone a fair chance at freedom, health, and equality is still deep within me, is comforting.

The past few weeks, I've been going back through my blog entries to remember the person I was 1, 2, 3 years ago. It's weird to look back and see what was on my mind and what inspired my word vomit all over this blog.

I remember sitting in my Sociology classes having my mind blown. Putting away my notebook, shrugging on my bookbag, leaving my iPod turned off, and walking that 1/2 mile home with only my thoughts spinning in my head. I remember feeling so hopeful that I could indeed adversely change the outcome of the future. I remember feeling so excited for graduation, determined to get out of Greensboro, into the misery of the world and seek reformation.

And now I'm here. Almost 2 years out of school. I'm working for a non-profit that brings hope and sheds light on the very hairy and oppressive life forced upon millions of North Koreans.

I'm doing what I had wanted to do. Pre-graduation-Leah would be proud.

Though, there are a lot of things I miss about my old self. My lack of complacency and my determination to not fall victim to the common wants and needs of 20-something year old women. I was restless, I was eager, I was fascinated with all the possibilities of the future.

But I was feeling those things, resting from the comfort of not-knowing. Of not knowing how much sweat and grease and grim it takes to make a dent in a humanitarian crisis. Of not knowing how deep and historical and intrinsic much of world's problems are. Of not knowing what truly makes my heart sing and my bones stir.

And I'm here, like I said, doing what I wanted to do. My 9- 5 (sometimes more) and social life checks off the list that I had subconsciously made for myself. But my old self is missing. Well, not missing, but dormant.

So, how do I conjure up my old-self? It's still in there, I just know it. How do I regain that sense of invincibility and determination?

Do you all struggle with this? Do you think it is death to the old-self and you just need to make art with whatever you've got now? No turning back? Maybe I have moved on. Maybe it was all naivete and now, the real world has confronted me and I'm backing down.

But with all of my might, I don't want that to be true. I remember those feelings I had in college and, my gosh, they provoked fire. I want it back.

Do you have 13 minutes to spare?

2011-04-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

If so, watch this video. If you've ever ridden on the NYC subway, you'll get it. If you're alive and have ever been anywhere with strangers, you'll get it.

Because it's Bill Haverchuck...

2011-04-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

2011-03-30T14:39:00.000-07:00

I recently saw a film called "I AM." I highly recommend it to anyone interested in the human connection. Anyone who is wondering, what's wrong with the world and what can we do about it?

There are no major revelations discovered or huge first-time pieces of information discovered, but it hit home hard the fact that we are connected. We can try to ignore the fact that our energies affect each other, but the hard cold truth is that they do.

In one part in the film, Tom Shadyac (the guy on the quest) is sitting in front a bowl of yogurt. The yogurt is hooked up to all of these various cords that register the energy in the yogurt. Let's all be clear. Yogurt doesn't have feelings.

So, the scientist would ask Tom questions that would evoke a negative/positive response (like, hey, Tom, have you talked to your agent lately? or hey, Tom have you talked to your lawyer lately?). Tom wouldn't say anything necessarily in response, but the machine registering the energy from the yogurt would move - recognizing a change in the energy.

It was powerful. It was crazy to see how the yogurt picked up the energy that Tom was feeling.

How did that happen?

We are connected. We feel what each other feels. We hurt when another hurts and we can't explain it. It's why we hate being around people who bum us out and we love being around people who have positive energy. It's why our heart physically hurts when someone else is in pain.

A guarded heart is a happy heart. Right?

2011-03-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

I think the "Where will you be in 10 years?" is an interesting question to ask a 23 year old.

There are so many missing variables in my life. I can barely answer the question of where I will be in 1 year. What city will capture my senses? Who will I love? Who will I be confiding in? What will I be fighting for? I'm sure it doesn't help that most of the blogs I follow are about 20 something year old women who are married, having children, and their only worry is what color to paint their dining room...

It's scary to think about all the things that will change my life. All the catalysts that will alter where I will live and who I will be in relationship with. It makes me sentimental to think about leaving all of the beautiful people I have invested in and been invested by over the last year (will be 2 years by the time I leave).

How do I prepare for that time of transition? In the next 8 months, what do I do?

I just live and let life live, right? I just embrace it and live in the moment, soaking up all of the human connection around me, right?

If only I could turn my brain off, along with my fascination and desire to figure out the future.

Life Comes and It Goes.

2011-03-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I like to take a small walk down memory lane with a handful of "what ifs" and "what could have beens." I was trying to find the name of a movie that a friendly boy had once recommended to me a little over a year ago. I went through my messages on my social networking site (just guess which one!) to look and started to just reread every message he had sent me.

I looked at the dates of when he sent them and I don't have the guts to figure out how soon after he gave me a ring to tell me he met the girl he is now going to marry, and that, well, it just wouldn't make much sense for us to keep in touch any more.

And then I looked at the last message that popped up when I searched for his name. It was my dearest friend Emily. From the message it looked like I had fallen off the face of the earth and wrote her to tell her my deepest apologies for not keeping in touch. And she wrote me back the sweetest, most loving note full of encouragement.

And then I'm pretty sure I called her a few days later, moments after I received that fateful, disheartening call, to strike up our long lost friendship over our validation of each others' bruised hearts.

It's beauty in the breakdown, you know? What ifs... Though, I rather like how it turned out. I'm single with no prospects in sight, but have a friend that I know I can always count on.

Scott & Seth Avett sing, "Blue Ridge Mountain Blues" (written in 1924 b...

2011-03-09T22:28:00.000-08:00

This song is so lovely. I miss you, Blue Ridge. But it's not in a "Woe is me" kind of missing, but just a "Goodness, be still my heart. You are absolutely beautiful in so many ways" kind of way.

Emily G and Mary, remember when the Avett Brothers played on that hot summer's day in downtown Greensboro (for free)? Were the details that Emily and I rode our bikes (Big Blue and Crazy Pete may you both rest in sweet restful peace wherever you are) and met up with Mary? I think fondly of that afternoon often.

It happened!

2011-03-04T13:13:00.000-08:00

Senator Boxer repped me and my family in her speech on the Senate floor! You can fast forward to 04:28, and you'll hear her mention Leah from Torrance. That's me. May we hope the system will continue to work and provide for Americans.

http://www.c-spanvideo.org/videoLibrary/clip.php?appid=599637715

joy

2011-03-02T20:33:00.000-08:00

It's been an exhausting weekend. Long story short, one of my teams (the Heartland Team) hit black ice as they were driving through Utah and totaled their van. Miraculously no one got hurt, at all. It's a miracle. My supervisor, Justin, and I drove a new van out to them on Sunday and then continued to drive with them to Denver, just to monitor how they are doing.

Their lives are so incredibly precious and valuable. To describe the overwhelming heaviness on my heart and body all weekend would take forever. They are okay and that's all that matters.

So, these are are a few things that have brought me some silver linings and joy over the last several days.

1. The Nomads. No doubt. Such a beautiful group of altruistic and selfless people.

2. I'm sorry, I am that aunt. She's absolutely beautiful, isn't she? She is totally growing into that hair and noggin.
3. I wrote to my Senator about the cutting of the Title X funding for Planned Parenthood, asking her to stand against it. Someone very close to me was raped in 2002 and as her student health center wrote her off, she turned to Planned Parenthood for help. Without them, she wouldn't have known what to do. So, with her permission, I shared her story with my Senator. I received a response from Senator Boxer's staffer:

Dear Ms. Garrard,

As you know, the House recently passed a federal funding bill that cuts off federal funding for Planned Parenthood and Title X. The Senate will be considering its own funding bill next week and we expect there to be attacks similar attacks on this funding.

Senator Boxer appreciated you writing her on this topic an found your story to be very moving. She would like to ask your permission to mention your story and name on the Senate floor and with the press as an example of how much good federal funding for Planned Parenthood and Title X does.

If you have any questions I can be reached at...

Thanks,

Patrick

I have hope that the bill will not be passed through the Senate and it's so positive to know that our democratic system does work if we utilize it.

4. Sweet tea. My roommate made me a glass on Saturday and as I Skyped with my sister and niece, my troubles seemed to melt away.

2011-02-23T18:16:00.001-08:00

I'm such the skeptic of sincerity. Are people truly genuine and sincere? I'm a cynic and a pessimist disguised as a realist. I call it being realistic, but it's really just being negative.

How do I break? How do I give people the benefit of the doubt without regarding their intentions as tainted and malice?

Remember when my roommate Emjay said "I am a rock. I am an island." and we told her "No! You are not alone. If you are an island, then we are all islands in a little cluster. An arpeggio." But are we really? It's so much easier to be alone and not have to depend on others to exist. Especially when you live in a constant state of questioning others' intentions.

Sigh, I am my father's daughter. Silver linings are hard to find in this book.

2011-02-17T17:59:00.001-08:00

Bags under my eyes. Grease on my skin. I'm tired.

Sard Yales

2011-02-13T11:25:00.000-08:00

I think I've found a new obsession. Yard sales.

Who knew they could be so fun? And so cheap?! Yesterday I stopped by two on my way to the ol' Target, and got quite a bit of stuff for $2.50. It was unreal and quite a bit of fun.

I've always had a weak knee and soft spot in my heart for thrifting, but this is a whole new arena that I never knew existed. People selling their once-treasures to others for next to nothing. To rid their closests? To make a buck? To give others a chance for something "new?"

So what did I get for $2.50?

A cute, little, and blue suitcase
Cookie tins
Silver mirror tray
Book of LA Maps from 1996
A knick knack in a shade of my new favorite color
Sunglasses case

My, My Mind - Apex Manor

2011-02-06T20:48:00.000-08:00

Knowing Myself

2011-02-06T10:00:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I forget how well I know myself. I forget about the things I need to make me tick, the types of relationships that water my soul, and the weaknesses I bring to any relationship.

Sometimes I forget and I wonder why I'm unhappy, why I'm frustrated and sad. I feel desperate to fit in (I thought this feeling would disappear once I graduated high school) and it's painful when the feeling isn't met. When I feel excluded and uninvited. It draws on my insecurities that derive from 4th grade when I was one of 2 in my class that wasn't invited to Maggie's birthday party - she lived down the street from me.

I'm a loner. I think I always will be. I fade in and out of people's lives because it hurts too much to be rejected, to depend on people for my sanity and feeling of belonging. So if I just become satisfied with being alone, then surely I'll protect myself from those feelings of hurt and betrayal and exclusion. Right?

Wrong. It doesn't work that way. In a TED Talk, J.K. Rowling states that failure creates success. I would go as far to say that failure in relationship creates success. Though my mom is no J.K. Rowling, she once said (I've mentioned this in a blog post before...) that a relationship isn't as strong until someone gets hurt and forgiveness is exchanged. Until then the relationship consists of egg shells. People avoiding the pain, consciously or unconsciously.

It's funny. I preach and preach to my nomads that communication is key, that relationships is key. And I believe it whole heartedly. I love being in community with people... but only to a certain point. To that point where I can back out and no one gets hurt.

But I do know myself enough to know that alone time gives me energy. I can wade through all the bullshit that comes with building relationships, if only I have time alone. That's the positive effect from being excluded....

Dating.

2011-01-31T17:27:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have those days where you just really want there to be someone in your life who will ask you how your day was and really be interested in the answer? Someone who won't forget to ask you?

I have friends here. I have beautiful people in my life, but no one to ask how my day was. No one to listen to me complain about friendships. No one to listen to me venting.

That's the one single problem with my friends all being friends with each other - gossiping/venting can create painful effects. I have been incredibly convicted lately to stop gossiping. It's so hard not to. I literally cannot make myself stop. So let me gossip about my own life's embarrassments.

I was talking to my brother and new sister last night about dating. Will awkwardly asked if I had any other relationships in my life, after asking about work and friends, obviously referring to the boy kind. I laughed and said, not really. I don't know how to date. Then his beautiful wife gave me the guidance I had been lacking for 23 years. (Y'all, this is pretty embarrassing) She said the key is flirting. Eye contact and touching.

Who knew?! So simple!

She then asked me if I thought of myself as being sexy. I laughed uncomfortably. That has never been a word to describe myself. And she said, no not like sexual, but just your own kind of sexy. I still said no. But now that I think about it, yes I am sexy. I like sociology and I think learning is incredibly sexy. I think working for a cause you believe in is sexy. I think wavy brown hair is sexy. I think letting the apple of my eye be my niece is super sexy.

So, yes, I am sexy. She said, Leah, you need to have confidence in who you are. You need to find yourself sexy and then others will too.

Sigh, I like me. But I'm not confident others will. Other boys.

Watch out, men. I will be locking eyes with you and touching you. A lot. Gotta make up for a lot of lost time.

2011-01-23T09:48:00.000-08:00

What to do on a Saturday afternoon in Hollywood?

Go to a taping of Wendy Williams' new show, of course! Yesterday two gal pals and me were audience members of "Love Triangle," a new show that will be airing on the Game Show Network in April. That's right. It's a game show to help people figure out their romantic quandaries.

Now, I signed a contract that said if I told anyone what happened, I would have to pay $1,000,000 and I just don't have that kind of money. But I will tell you this. It's going to blow your minds. Just when you thought you knew which guy the girl was gonna choose, SURPRISE!

April 19th. Watch it.

Picnic!

2011-01-20T22:44:00.001-08:00

When it's a Tuesday and you live in California, of course you'll have a picnic lunch in a park. With friends.

A few must haves when attending a picnic: "ants on a log," a giant grapefruit-type fruit, PB&Js, blue skies, sunshine, cute friends, and a blanket.

Maybe Tuesday Picnics will become a "thing." Thank you, Lindsay, for all of the goodies!

Hutcheson Ridge

2011-01-20T21:48:00.000-08:00

Note: Dr. Robert S. Hutcheson, Jr is my really rad G-pa.

"The U.S. Board on Geographic Names was created in 1890 to maintain uniform geographic place names. New place names can be proposed and after public review may be approved if certain criteria are met. On January 13th a new name was approved for Virginia. Hutcheson Ridge in Rockbridge County commemorates Dr. Robert S. Hutcheson, Jr. (1919-2003), a Lexington native and noted Roanoke physician. The 3,070 foot high, 1.2 mile long ridge is located at the southern end of Little North Mountain, on the north side of Goshen Pass."

2011-01-16T20:56:00.000-08:00

This weekend was a big 'ol bag of fun! My good friend, Lindsay, was back from her short stint in Kansas. She has officially moved out here to attend fashion school at FIDM and I am so glad. We did many fun things this weekend including El Burrito and some good tree-burnin' bonfire festivities.

This next pictures were taken by a very sweet woman named Steph, who befriended us at the bonfire and was so keenly interested in LiNK and my life. Moments like that restore my faith in the connection of humanity.

Oh, and this is what happens to Christmas trees that don't fulfill their Christmas destinies..

I have good people in my life. I'm grateful.

2011-01-11T23:26:00.000-08:00

I feel like I write my most readable posts when I'm angsty and confused and frustrated with not knowing. But life is going really well right now. I had better not speak too soon, though.

So let's talk boys. As I'm growing up, meeting new people, meeting new guys, I've started to shed away my "non-negotiables" or those things that I've thought I always really, really wanted in a guy. And I've started to realize what's important. It's not the beard, it's not the style, it's not the perfect jaw structure, but instead it's the heart. It's the brain. It's what he does when he sees someone being made fun of for their race or their sexuality or their gender.

It's how he functions when no one is looking and with what discernment and excitement he approaches each day.

My parents have one of the greatest love stories. My dad showed such patience and my mom was such the indecisive one. So the story goes, they met in grad school, both studying Social Work. I think during their second year, they both had an internship in the same town, which was a 45 minute drive away, so they and a few other classmates carpooled together. During that time, my dad asked my mom out on a date. Mom said yes and they went.

But no sparks flew. Mom told him that she felt they should just be friends. And so they were. For some time after. And dad was okay with that. He let it be.

But eventually, dad asked her on another date. And they went. Mom realized that this man was authentic, genuine, and will forever be by her side, through the dark days and light. He wasn't flashy or the life of the party, though he did have a really sick mustache at the time.

And it's true. He's been here every day. Never has even thought about abandoning our family or even checking out mentally. He's always there to give advice and guidance and take my annoying calls about car stuff at any time. I'm lucky to have a dad like that.

I've had some incredible examples of authentic men in my life. My dad, brother and brother-in-law. Now, to find one more so they can all go on canoe trips together.

That's Embarrassing...

2010-12-30T19:47:00.000-08:00

Oh and as I was working on my headbands... or maybe I was mending a shirt... anyway, I got my thread and needle caught on my nose ring.

My parents thought it was hilarious.

It really hurt.

2011, I'm Comin' For Ya

2010-12-30T19:30:00.000-08:00

As I pack up my things tonight, getting ready to board the plane and head back to LA on New Years Eve of all days, I've been thinking. 2011 is going to be a good year.

Today, when I went to visit Lala and Pa (seen wearing red here) for the last time before I depart, I had a healthy conversation with my wise and youthful grandmother (she's 88, but looks not a day over 60). I suddenly realized that for the first time since I have graduated college, I will know where I will be living and what I will be doing for the entire year. Shocking, right?

That's what I call security. Safety. And she said, "That's one of life's important necessities - security. One of those things that many people struggle in living without."

I'm grateful and am able to breathe a huge sigh of relief knowing that I have one year left (that I know of) in the sunny state of California. I have to make the most of it because who knows what will happen afterwards.

So, as I celebrate the New Year with a little bit of jet lag, friends, and a few drinks, I look forward to what this next year will bring. New challenges, new perspectives, new conversations, and new friends. And I want to learn how not to lose touch with all the "old" that is so dear and treasured to my heart.

Happy New Year, all!

My Etsy Shop Opening!

2010-12-29T17:08:00.001-08:00

It has finally happened. After months of saying I'm going to do this, I've done it. Put some of my simple crafts up onto Etsy. Visit and, please, tell me what you think! Click the link below:

Laughing Teeth

hey, jane.

2010-12-28T15:09:00.001-08:00

It has been so wonderful to be home. A little rough around the edges, but it always brings great clarity and challenges me to new heights as I return to my new comfort zones back in California. These are some of my favorite parts of being home...

2010-12-19T18:27:00.000-08:00

To us, Generation __ , never stop dreaming in color.

contemplations

2010-12-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

5 months ago, I was telling goodbye to two of my coworkers. As we spoke to them, we told them about the size of the shoes that were left to be filled, the expectations they set for us, and the nervousness with which we carried on the torch. At the end of the night after we lauded them for the sacrifices they have made for LiNK and shared how much we will miss them, one of them turned to us and spit some truth.

She said, "Defend justice in all that you do. Not just in regards to North Korea, but in everything you say and act. Speak up and out about the injustices you see in your daily life. Always defend justice."

It resonates fluidly within in my head every day. How do I fulfill this? How do I find my human voice to speak forward with this? How do I address injustices that are personal?

One more. Grab a tissue.

2010-12-05T11:24:00.000-08:00

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

I look forward to one day having a love like this.

Human Voice

2010-12-05T11:13:00.000-08:00

The Human Voice from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

MMM, I found my creative side again.

2010-11-27T23:31:00.001-08:00

A friend of a friend (at what point does she become my friend..) had a benefit show this evening to raise money for a mission trip to India that she is going on next month. I heard crafts were going to be sold, so I thought maybe I could help out. I made some headbands and broaches out of fabric flowers. I sold all of the headbands (yay!) and one broach. So exciting! I'm thinking of heading over to etsy and setting up a little store.

Get a load of this little cutie

2010-11-27T00:00:00.001-08:00

2010-11-17T17:22:00.000-08:00

"Never accept and be content with unanalyzed assumptions, assumptions about the work, about the people, about the church or Christianity. Never be afraid to ask questions about the work we have inherited or the work we are doing. There is no question that should not be asked or that is outlawed. The day we are completely satisfied with what we have been doing; the day we have found the perfect, unchangeable system of work, the perfect answer, never in need of being corrected again, on that day we will know that we are wrong, that we have made the greatest mistake of all."

--Vincent J. Donovan (quoted in "A New Kind of Christianity" by Brian McLaren)

A Little North Carolina Tune For You

2010-11-15T09:32:00.001-08:00

2010-11-14T14:11:00.000-08:00

Much to my mother's dismay, I've gone and done the worst. She asked today, "Do you feel like a rebel?" Ohhhh, that generation. I don't hate it, but I don't love it yet. I think I'll love it when I can finally get a hoop up in there. My roommate said, "Our children will probably think nose rings are lame and are for moms..."

Crafts

2010-10-31T22:18:00.000-07:00

Once I get the right kind of glue - the fabric kind (go figure), I will be making these to make headbands for Hannah and maybe a matching one for Sarah. I kid, I kid. That's what dress patterns are for. Matching mother daughter outfits!!

I miss being creative. I have looked into art classes here in Torrance and I've found one... I'll call in for that free Introduction class soon.

I was going to take SCUBA lessons with some of my coworkers, but for now I've decided I'd rather not spend a whopping $400 on myself. But soon enough I will take those lessons so I will be able to have a little piece of paper that says I can scuba dive anywhere I want in the world. I will then say, "hello, remaining 70% of the world I haven't had access to."

Proaction, here I come!

In a Rut

2010-10-30T11:30:00.000-07:00

We had a Halloween/Costume/Pumpkin Carving party at the LiNK house the other night. Everyone came over in their costumes that we had all worn to work that day and just relaxed with snacks and drink. Man, it was the first time in a long time that I unwound.

We split up into departments for the pumpkin carvings. We were over by the hammock and my boss/friend (it's all blurred these days) laid down in the hammock. He asked if I hung out here all the time. And I said, "No." He asked why and I didn't have an answer. All I could say was, "I'm in some sort of rut."

And I am.

I go to work. I come home, eat dinner, and don't really do anything very productive. How do I cure this? Proactivity, I believe. Taking risks and putting myself out there. It's one of the most fear provoking things for me -to go into an uncontrolled social situation and not know a soul.

But I guess that's what beer is for. And friends. I think I have 2 solid friends here that will do things with me and invite me to do things with them.

I'm starting to feel more at home here. California has started its season of fall, whatever that is. It doesn't get above 75 or 80 on most days and now that I'm acclimated to the weather, I find it chilly. There aren't enough orange and red leaves, but when I do find them, it's exciting.

Emails

2010-10-22T15:17:00.001-07:00

Ohhh, emails. It's amazing how such a small click of a button, a letter sent my way via the complexity that is the internet, can make my heart pound so much or lift my spirits in such a way.

I wish I could just respond to an email with, "Well, if that's the way you feel, then so be it. Best of luck with your life. Please know, that your disinterest and disgruntled attitude will inadvertantly affect the freedom of North Korean refugees living in China."

Maybe that's drastic. Maybe a little irrational, but it's all honest. It's the way I feel. Because every little bit counts. Every 2 person screening, every 200 person screening will transform and change the lives of North Koreans living in hiding half way around the world.

And all of this is caused by a sorry excuse for communication. Sigh.

I painted!

2010-10-05T23:27:00.000-07:00

I wanted to create a small sanctuary in my life, so I painted my room, much to my landlord's horror. Oops!

It's called "Liberty Gray" and it's lovely. Paired with a crisp white duvet, greenish floral sheets, a soon to be white dresser, and an old leather chair I found on the side of the road, I'm excited to call this home.

This is the color:

Similar to the print of my sheets:

My duvet:

That's all.

Demands and Respect

2010-10-03T22:49:00.000-07:00

I think I've had my first taste of what being a mom is about. It's truly just a small taste. Just the tip of my pinky. But here it is: Lots and lots of being asked and lots and lots of wanting the best and most perfect outcome, but having to shed grace. Lots and lots of grace.

This job is so freaking interesting. I hate that I am that girl who always writes about her job, but let's get real honest for a second on a side tangent.

I don't have much else going on.

I basically eat, sleep, and breath work. When I'm not physically in the office, I'm either on the phone with nomads or on my email working to book screenings or at some event on behalf of LiNK or at the house that I live, which is LiNK housing.

Riding my bike, is the only true escape I have. No access to internet, no LiNK coworker by my side. So, the reality is very real. Work is my life.

So, back to the lesson that I have been learning. Demands and respect. Not an ounce in my body wants to fulfill demands placed upon me when there is little respect being garnered. I can only imagine this is what my mother must have felt on those days when I was being the brat I was great at being. Why should she fix me dinner? Why should she scratch my back? Why should she help me find my missing sock?

If it was any one else. A stranger off the street, a next door neighbor, another Girl Scout's mom. She would have no reason to do things for someone who blatantly gave her no respect.

Nada.

But it was me. Her kid, her daughter, so of course she did those things for me. She blessed me with grace, forgave me for my horrible mistakes, and scratched my back when I was scared to sleep in the dark.

Unconditional love. I need to learn this stuff.

2010-09-14T23:02:00.000-07:00

It's a busy, busy week flying by. I wake up at 5.50 everyday, work until 9 pm and find some rest at 11. I'm not complaining, but just letting you know why I can't write a longer post right now. It's 11.03 and I need some sleep.

But, when I return from this small non-hiatus, I'd like to talk about 2 things. One, "The Stoning of Soraya M" and two, the convictions I have felt in regards to relationships.

I hope all are well. Emily, I want a nose ring too. Keep an eye out for my new profile picture with it. Eventually...

2010-08-12T12:43:00.001-07:00

It's so interesting to be a grown up.

In almost every encouraging or appreciative note my sister has every written to me, she has always said how much she admires my intolerance for the unethical and my vigor to speak out for what is right and good. Being in high school and college, it's so easy to do that (when she we were closer in proximity). High school is the time for teenage rebellion in every context - the immature lashings-out that take place are mostly understood and socially accepted as part of the teenage phase. Talking back and speaking up for your fairly under-processed ideas is seen as just what being a teenager is all about.

College is the perfect atmosphere to question everything. That's the point of a 4 year degree: to teach how to question the efficiency and effectiveness of all aspects of life and to teach the problem solving techniques it takes to reach idealism. Professors are there to make you think, to make you be introspective and to figure out the way the world currently works and how it should be altered. We were taught ideals and to follow those ideals.

But when you get to the real world, to the working world, these ideals aren't quite so welcomed. There is structure and bureaucracy that mandates every organization. Being an adult and speaking out for what you believe within a pre-established form isn't quite as understood and accepted as it was in the about 8 years prior.

So, how do young people these days work within this system when the 8 years in preparation have been teaching them to think outside of the box, to push the envelope, to be creative in approaching "protocols" and organizational structure. How, then, do we uphold those ideals that have started to dictate our character and our approach to the world? Do we lower our standards and work inside the system, never challenging it or questioning? Do we maintain our job security so that we can pay the bills and be comfortable or do we sacrifice our own comfort in pursuit of those ideals?

It becomes survival of the most ideal. I don't know if I'll make it and I wonder if my sister wrote a note these days, if it would be true.

2010-08-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

It's an interesting concept to live with the people you work with. To become friends with the people you live with. And to work with your friends. It's an interesting teaching method. Thanks, life.

In the last few days I've had a realization about "humility." It's such an integral part of being in relationship with people and it's the source of grace. I am not humble enough and I do not extend enough grace on the people I am with and around. I hold grudges and I internalize anger and frustration that form a giant chip on my shoulder.

It's so weird to me sometimes that these are things that create my faith, whatever my faith is. These are the things that I believe will make the world go round and will soften hearts and eliminate much of the pain that exists in the world. Do I need a source of these characteristics or can I just formulate them on my own, whilst in relationship with others? I think it can't be done alone, but I think humility and grace extend from knowing and loving others. It's not a religion or a spiritual framework which should mandate or inspire these things, but rather an understanding and awareness of how relationships need to be fostered and upheld.

It's also a beautiful feeling that transcends my body when I concentrate on believing in humility and grace. In finding the silver living around people who are frustrating to be around, who are discouraging, who are self-focused.

I need an accountability partner to uphold me to the highest standard. How can I teach something if I don't act myself?

2010-08-04T13:04:00.000-07:00

"My family's relative wealth was due not only to my grandparents' social status but also to the fact that they had once lived and prospered in Japan. My grandmother was the first to exile herself there. She was born near the southern tip of the Korean peninsula, on the island of Cheju, famous for its windy weather, its horses, and the strong character of its women. To this day you see them on television wearing wetsuits and diving into the ocean in search of shellfish, while their men stay home minding the children."

Excerpt from The Aquariums of Pyongyang by Chol-Hwan Kang

You can view those women here: http://www.ianbaguskas.com/ian_baguskas.html

2010-07-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

be free

2010-06-25T13:56:00.000-07:00

This past week has been a bit of a roller coaster. Earlier when I posted that Radical Face song, it's because it stirred some ripe emotions within me. It made me miss home like I've never missed it before. I've always been the girl seeking independence and autonomy from family, from home, from people needing me. And now I have it.

I'm here in California, by myself. My closest family member is 2,000 miles away. While I am building a surrogate family here, one day at a time, remembering what I'm missing out on this weekend is painful.

After 19 years, my dad is retiring from the ministry. All of the Garrards are converging in Hickory this weekend to celebrate a life of dedication and sacrifice. All but one. It's so strange to be missing out on this. I was prepared for it and knew I wasn't going to make it home for it, but for some reason I didn't know how to emotionally prepare for it.

This weekend is as much for dad as it is for us: my mom, brother, sister and I. Our lives circled around him our whole lives. We moved when he moved. We packed when he packed. We cried when he cried. We were hurt when he was hurt. We got involved when he got involved. I am who I am directly because of what my dad is. The fact of the matter is, when I go home it will be very different. He will be home during the day and available at night. His stack of magazines he never has time to read will be much smaller and all the leaky faucets will be tight. He will sit with us in the pew at church and will ride home with us afterwards.

I wish I could be home this weekend to share a story about him. When I think of my dad, I don't think of him as a pastor. I picture him in his dirty, ratty clothes working on a car. However, his character is definitely one of a pastor. Much like a shepherd. He guides, pursues, engages, and cares. Every person is important. Every person deserves a look in the eye and a hand shake, no matter your age, race, or stature. We were never an experiment or a task or a member of his flock. We were his family. I am his daughter, not a project.

He deserves every accolade that is going to be given to him. Every kind word. Every round of applause. He's done good things on this earth. Great things.

Human Condition of Mixed Emotion

2010-06-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

Radical Face - "Welcome Home"

2010-06-21T10:13:00.000-07:00

In a rejection email from a man at a church, I received this as his reasoning for not wanting to host a screening for us.

"We are committed to taking a rifle and aiming it at a few movements that God wants us to participate in, versus using a shotgun and spreading ourselves too thin."

Deep.

a boost to the joy level

2010-06-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zero's - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

year and a half

2010-06-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

Looks like I'm 3 hours behind most of you. It makes all the difference in the world - our schedules don't align and we don't even eat breakfast around the same time.

It's been a hard transition being out here, joining a new team, living with 17 new roommates, dealing with the same old identity and social issues, etc. I'm interested to see what will happen and who I will become by the end of this commitment.

Sometimes I wonder if I purposefully put myself into really tough situations or if I create the stress and difficulty which surrounds tough situations. Maybe the experiences I find myself in aren't as bad as I make them out to be. Maybe if I just put on a brighter smile and had a better attitude, I wouldn't feel so strained and beaten and deserted.

I've realized many, many things about myself in the last week. Put me on an island by myself for weeks on end and I would be happy. Put me in a crowded room with people all the time, I wouldn't make it. I love being alone. But I also really value the friendships that I have - those friends that I feel comfortable with to hang around and not speak. You know the kind. I feel as if since August of last year I have been working hard to make friends, but have only escaped with a few. I've been committing small talk for the past year. On the road, every day new faces, same questions. I'm so tired of talking and asking questions and being the friend. I want to be pursued by a new friend.

Goodness, I wish I could play God. I do. It would make my life so much more simple.

Beach House - Heart of Chambers

2010-06-06T19:57:00.001-07:00

This is the jam.

Let's Keep In Touch. I Mean It.

2010-06-06T19:44:00.001-07:00

It's the time again, where I'm lying in my bed in my parents' house with suitcases packed and that christmas-eve-night anticipation running through my body. But it's really different this time, you know.

This time I have friends "out there" that I already know. I won't have to small talk. I know where they are from and what their laughs sound like and the music they enjoy. It's nice. But at the same time it isn't the relaxation I feel when I return to my Greensboro friends - the people I've known for 5 years now and can successfully sit in complete silence with and not feel awkward.

Sometimes when I think about this move to California, I get overwhelmed at the thought of a year of small talk, a year of awkward sarcasm and mere attempts at deep, meaningful relationships. The self-proclaimed introvert gets tired just thinking of having to be an extrovert in order to make friends.

I think I will be okay. I know where some parks are. I know where to get a bike. I know where I can find solitude and respite and recoup when my community art classes and scuba lessons (all hopefuls) give me too much people time. But I also hope I don't find too much solace in these things. Being alone is where I feel most comfortable and most energized, so I'm begging myself to not fall into that cycle. Discomfort has always brought great fruition into my life, so hopefully it'll be the same.

PLUS, I am banking on some celeb sightings. I'm hoping for Natalie Portman, though I think she resides in NYC, and Zooey Deschanel. I bet if I just camp out at LAX, TMZ will lead me straight to 'em.

......

In other news, I just learned that "ya'll" is not spelled that way at all. It's "y'all." I feel so disrespectful to my Southern roots for all the years.

announcement.

2010-05-19T19:48:00.001-07:00

I know I never use this thing anymore and for that I apologize, but I figure it's a great piece of social connection with a few old friends out there, so I thought I'd clue you in on the next chapter in my life.

Let's recap. For the past 3 months, I was a nomad for LiNK (Liberty in North Korea). I was put back into prairieland on the Heartland team and travelled for 10 weeks with Pat and Kat. Yes their names rhymed. It was possibly some of the hardest days in my life. I was somewhat miserable for the better part of the journey, but I wouldn't change it for the world. It took me a long 10 weeks to learn some of life's most important lessons: how to love people who you wouldn't normally love, how to let go, and how to accept.

Fast forward to today and I am now going on staff with LiNK. I am going to be a regional manager, which is someone who works in the headquarters and manages the teams while they are out on the road. I'm pretty pumped. I have signed a 1.5 year contract and will be living right outside L.A. in Torrance, CA for that time period.

Who would have ever thought that I would be living in southern California? Not me. Definitely not my mother.

I'm home for just a few weeks to visit family and friends and recoup and be in dear Brittany Jackson's wedding. How am I old enough to have friends getting married and for me to have a real job? Crazy.

Crazy.

2010-03-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

I am being challenged on a daily basis and my well of inspiration and commitment is running dry.

May I ask a favor?

My social justice minded friends, would you mind responding to this post with stories, documents, articles, quotes with commentary that might inspire me and remind me why I've decided to sacrifice? I'm becoming selfish-minded and am in a cycle of negativity. I need this, deeply.

Thank you.

2010-03-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

I want to have lots of daughters when I have children. Obviously, this is something I can control.

I just finished reading Half the Sky by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn and it is basically research in narrative style about various ways organizations have worked to empower women living in oppressive societies all around the world. It is mind blowing and greatly life changing.

I've always greatly identified as a woman and am proud of my sex. I'm quick to stand up for the respect of women and will rarely let a sexist comment slide. I writhe when women say sly comments about other women or even just in general about women - about how women are "supposed" to act or how they don't want to have daughters because girls are annoying.

Thus, I WANT to have girls. Women are powerful creatures because they are still the underdogs. Women still make 75% of what men make in the same position. Yet, they have so much influence in society. Ugandans say, "when you educate a woman, you educate a nation." They bring life into this world and when mothers are the ones who have a huge play in the finances of a family, the income goes towards more sustainable, less consumable items (so says Half the Sky).

My daughters will be strong and will not be second class. They will not believe they are inferior, nor will they believe that they can only do certain things because of their sex. They will choose what types of extracurricular activities they want to do, but education will always be a priority. They will be compassionate and caring as all people should be and will look to serve others, no matter who they are.

To my future daughters, don't back down. Stand bold and with your head held high. You're going to do wonderful and influential things in life.

2010-02-15T21:46:00.000-08:00

This woman is amazing in so many ways. She is full of grace and humility.

LiNK is in a competition to win $250K from Pepsi, so that we can build a physical home for North Korean refugees to come to when they resettle in the United States. Community is important - I think we can all vouch for that. Community in the midst of seeking protection and safety is imperative.

Would you all vote for LiNK to win this money? As well, tell your friends to do the same. You can vote once every day! Thanks, friends.

2010-02-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

Nomadism

2010-01-20T10:03:00.001-08:00

I'm gonna be a nomad.

No, really, not just in theory but as a job, I'm going to be a nomad for an organization called Liberty in North Korea (LiNK) come February 1st. I'll be sailing back to California next weekend to continue my volunteer ambitions.

Check out this organization. It's legit. They do secret underground stuff in Southeast Asia where they hide and protect North Korean escapees until they can receive refugee or asylum status in another country.

The magnitude of human rights that are being violated in North Korea is astonishing. It's horrific. And the worst part is that we turn a blind eye to it.

2010-01-17T17:39:00.000-08:00

I woke up to this on Saturday morning:

It's from my 6 year old cousin Zach. It was 9.45 am and he was worried I hadn't set my alarm clock, but new he couldn't come into my room. Next best thing? An illustrated note under the door, obviously.

It made my day.

Reflect and Relax

2010-01-17T14:49:00.000-08:00

I met a woman last night who, at the ripe age of 60, is taking time to reflect, relax, visit with family, and figure out her next career move. Okay, so she wasn't just any woman. She was my dad's cousin, but I had never met her until yesterday. In preparation for her visit, mom and dad both told me about her using words such as: nomadic, traveler, and never married. They told me I had a lot to learn from her. They didn't realize that I would become so infatuated with her that I would want to have coffee with her to pick her brain. How do I become you?

This is a woman who wore boots that looked like they could tell stories for days. A woman who has travelled all over the world and written for travel guides. She has had experiences that I can't even imagine and has called New York City her home or her home base, rather, for decades. This is a woman who can't imagine living without her bicycle and looks for good public transport in a new home.

And she's never married. But she's content. She enjoys her life and you can see it in her eyes when she recounts memories and stories long lost that she wouldn't have it any other way. Her bohemian, nomadic sojourn through life has made her who she is.

She has a free spirit. A simple bliss and freedom. She has spent her life meeting people and following life at the drop of a hat, wherever it may lead. Fearless.

How do you capture that? She had dreams and she raced after them. She travelled alone all over the country and the world. She has a beautiful community of friends, colleagues and family.

As I realize more and more about who I am, I think that's my greatest flaw. I'm full of fear. I think if there was an audible track to my thoughts, people would understand just how paranoid I am. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I don't have anything funny to day? What if I don't know what they are talking about? Was that a joke? I didn't know to laugh. Oh, man.

There are so many things I want to do in life and maybe that's why I'm sitting still here in my parent's guest room. So many "buts" in between my dreams and me.

Solution: Have coffee with my new hero. Coffee conversations solve most things.

Zooey or Dennis?

2010-01-05T07:57:00.000-08:00

I'm back on the good ol' East Coast, snuggled in my bed (or the bed that is in the room that used to be mine), trying to avoid the responsibilities that are present before me: finding a job and figuring out a plan for my future.

But first let me back track a few weeks. Being a roadie: my experience is finished and I am now moving forward into the light or darkness or whatever is ahead. It was a beautiful and rich time, though challenging as hell. 2 and 1/2 months on the road, dozens of home cooked meals, 1 teammate left, 3 weeks in Canada (without the teammate who had booked this part of tour) without cell phone or internet, 1 new teammate joined us, 1 traffic accident, 1 "hit and run," 1 hospital visit, 1 almost-got-robbed-by-a-gang incident, hundreds of beautiful and outwardly centered individuals, 1 naked bass player, 1 ethiopian meal at 1:30am, 1 mom who made the 3 of us 9 sandwiches for lunch the next day, several extremely awkward contacts, and thousands of memories that I can't even begin to explain.

It was beautiful. Hard, but beautiful. And now I am prepared to begin whatever is next. But what is next is the question? So, I thought I'd just blog it out. Blog it ooouuuttt.

I've always thought it was necessary to have a job with meaning - of working with purpose and responsibility. That's a main reason I did Invisible Children - to fulfill my responsibility of a being a global citizen and I don't think that responsibility will ever wither.

Here's the bump in the road: I want to travel, like really, really travel. Like backpack across Europe on a sojourn for a few months. My roadie friend, Sean, has invited me (literally invited me on Gmail calender) to join him on a trip to Europe. You have to have money to do this, and I don't have much right now - health insurance is such a drain. So here's the predicament:

I need a job, but I also want to quit said job around summer time to galavant across the Atlantic. Thus I don't want a job with meaning because with meaning comes commitment and I want to be able to leave the job at a moment's notice. Working at a job without meaning means not living in the moment, which is annoying. I was watching Angelina Jolie get interviewed one time and she was asked, "If you found out you only had a week left to live how would you live it?" She replied, "Well, I already live in the moment, as if I had limited time left, so I don't think I would change anything." And then she riddled off being able to adopt children, going to Africa with the UN, go skydiving, blah blah blah. Then I realized you have to have money in order to live in the moment - on that caliber at least.

So here's where I'm at.

a) Dennis: I would love to work on an organic farm (WWOOF) for some time. Live and work in community - it's my thing. It stirs my bones. And there is just something natural about working with the Earth. But it doesn't pay, but, man, it would be amazing. (This is the Dennis reference - Dennis Quaid has always been the epitome of a farmer in my mind)

b) Zooey: I could prepare for living in the moment. Haha. I can live at home, get a job (say as a receptionist somewhere), and save up for my 2010 adventure. I could wear cute blouses and high wasted skirts like Zooey in 500 Days of Summer. Right?

So, it's just a matter of deciding what I want to do - what's more important. I've never been good at making decisions...

2009-08-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

the next chapter: my sub-blog created specifically for my adventure in Sandy-eggo!

2009-08-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

I am in San Diego talking with my teammates, laughing until I cry, eating some Pasta-Roni, studying Invisible Children stats, driving 15 passenger vans with 15 passengers, being trained 8-9 hours everyday, fearing getting a question wrong, hanging out in a Starbucks in a grocery store, and you know, just rocking in general.

The 24 Hour Mark

2009-08-03T05:35:00.000-07:00

To Do List for Today (in no particular order):

- Write thank you cards

- Get a pay-as-you-go phone

- Read some more Invisible Children things and commit them to memory

- PACK

- Mend my skirt and shirt

- See Buttons and Don!

- Write a support letter update

- Call Bink and maybe Gail

- Take a picture of Mom and Dad

- Charge my iPod

Destination Confirmed

2009-07-24T06:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I found out my region and team for the Fall Invisible Children Tour and it is: Middle America! So on the map that is from Oklahoma and Arkansas up to Manitoba and Saskatchewan, Canada. A lot of territory to cover! I am super excited and was ridiculously grinning all day yesterday after I found out. My team seems to be really rad - we've only been conversing a bit over facebook, but I have good feelings all around. (Don't you love the sudden diversion from the feelings of past entries?)

Limbo

2009-07-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

It's an odd feeling which has clouded over me the last few weeks, becoming more dense with each passing day. Friend by friend, I have been left here in Greensboro feeling very alone and somewhat empty. It's still so strange to be the one left behind, when my whole life I have been the one leaving. Perhaps this drabness, this lack of community is just pushing me onto my next adventure. Right, so, my next adventure. It's less than two weeks away and the nerves are setting in. What with my new found introverted-ness and my fear of failure, especially at relationships, I'm feeling anxious about beginning this job. I'm feeling ready about the prospects of being indirectly part of a social movement which can possibly bring peace and prosperity to a region of the world which hasn't know peace for 20 plus years.

Buuuut. Here's the math. Present=drab. Future=Excitement. Drab-->Excitement=Limbo.

And in the midst of it all I am leaving Greensboro: my beautiful little apartment, my coffee shops and thrift stores, and the best cheeseburger I've ever had. Granted, Greensboro isn't what it once was for me, it's lost its familiarity and comfort in some senses, but it still has been the base for much of my growth and struggles in the last 4 years. I'm not the same girl whose parents unloaded her things into her dorm room 4 years ago, although I still look a lot like her*. It's hard to move on, to not know if I'll ever return here, to close one chapter, but not know what will be included in the next.

Feelings, shmeelings. The advice I so desperately want to give other people when I hear them whine sometimes, I need to give myself. Suck it up and get over it. This is a thing we call life.

*Side story: On my way home from VA Monday, I stopped to get gas and as I was paying, the attendant asked if I was ready for school to start. I said, "Well, actually I've graduated!" He said, "Oh, I though you were in the 11th grade or something like that." I flashed a big grin and said, "Oh, haha. No, I've actually just graduated from college." He seemed kind of shocked and said something about how he had thought I was 18. I told him I was 22 and as I was walking out he said something about how it's a good thing to look so young. I think I'll agree when I'm 40.

2009-07-15T16:17:00.000-07:00

Picture, Words

2009-07-02T16:27:00.000-07:00

Today a girl I knew in high school had this as her facebook status: "You should only feel ugly when you can no longer see Christ in the mirror." There are so many issues I have with this trite little Christian-ism. One, can I not be beautiful without Christ? Aren't we all made in the image of God, thereby making us all beautiful no matter the status of our 'salvation'? I am still something beautiful without Christ and so are those in corners of Siberia, Iraq, and New York City. Two, this provides unreachable expectations from Christianity. Believing in Jesus does not remove doubt, self-hatred, or even 'sin' from life. To say that it will is unreasonable and provides this idea of "perfection" that comes with Christianity. Third, this status comes from a person who believes that I have to be a member of her denomination in order to participate in heaven. So it isn't even Christ that is being talked about. It's a certain Christ, with a certain church, and a certain doctrine.

Excuse me while I just add another brick to my wall.

2009-06-30T09:31:00.001-07:00

Goshen

2009-06-29T18:16:00.000-07:00

I am counting down the days until I get to experience this glory. (17 more) I realized today that this place has been a constant in my life, amidst all the moves and new cities and towns. Except for last summer, I have made it to this cabin in the woods every summer. I know it well - the smell of the couch, the cracks in the walls, the path to the river, the creeks in the floor. If I ever do marry (sorry, my roommate is in the final month of wedding planning, so it's on my mind), I'd like to be married here - a place I know and love.

Summer Reading

2009-06-25T13:56:00.001-07:00

I just finished reading "The Poisonwood Bible" by Barbara Kingsolver. It's about the life of the Congo from pre-independence through independence and on through the corrupt government of Mobutu, as seen through the eyes of four daughters and wife of an American evangelical missionary. I highly recommend it, not only for its plot, but it's intense recollection of history. Here are a few passages that really stood out to me:

"'Be kind to yourself,' he says softly in my ear, and I ask him, How is that possible? I rock back and forth on my chair like a baby, craving so many impossible things: justice, forgiveness, redemption. I crave to stop bearing all the wounds of this place on my own narrow body. But I also want to be a person who stays, who goes on feeling anguish where anguish is due. I want to belong somewhere, damn it. To scrub the hundred years' war off this white skin till there's nothing left and I can walk out among my neighbors wearing raw sinew and bone, like they do."

--Leah, daughter

"I can think of no honorable answer. Why must some of us deliberate between brands of toothpaste, while others deliberate between damp dirt and bone dust to quiet the fire of an empty stomach lining? There is nothing about the United States I can really explain to this child of another world."

--Adah, daughter

"To live is to be marked. To live is to change, to acquire the words of a story, and that is the only celebration we mortals really know. In perfect stillness, frankly, I've only found sorrow."

--Orleanna, mother

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-21T15:30:00.001-07:00

Everyone probably thinks their dad is the cutest dad in the world, but I am willing to put money on the fact that mine definitely is.

He's got brains too.

2009-06-20T10:19:00.001-07:00

I got the job :)

2009-06-15T20:26:00.000-07:00

Today, as I was driving down Lee St., I saw a seemingly homeless man looking through a garbage bin. He took out a 40 oz beer bottle, which still had some beer in it. He unscrewed the cap and started to pour the remaining beer out in a little grassy area. So, I thought maybe he was collecting plastic and glass bottles to cash in for money. But I was wrong. He then placed the empty glass bottle (sans cap) in the recycling bin seated next to the garbage bin.

Very cool.

Bangin Nachos: It's What's For Dinner

2009-06-11T13:24:00.001-07:00

My sister gave me a cookbook for graduation entitled, "Help! My Apartment Has A Kitchen." This is exactly how I feel about the entire subject, so it was perfect. I've technically only made one thing from it, but I have eaten it multiple times and it never gets old, so I wanted to share. If I can do it, you can too!

What you need:

18-20 tortilla chips

1 cup shredded Cheddar or Monterey Jack cheese

1 8-ounce can refried beans

1 scallion (also called a green onion)

1 small ripe avocado or 1/2 large ripe avocado (optional)

1-2 tablespoons sliced black olives (optional)

Salsa

Sour cream

What you do:

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. For easy clean-up cover baking sheet with aluminum foil.

Place tortilla chips on baking sheet and cover them with spoonfuls of refried beans (you don't need to use the entire 8 oz can).

Wash the scallion. Cut off root tip and top 2 inches of green end and discard them. Cut the remaining white and green parts into 1/4-inch pieces and scatter them onto the tortilla chips.

Peel and cut the avocado into 1/4-inch squares and sprinkle them onto the chips.

Sprinkle black olive slices onto chips.

Cover the entire concoction with cheese and bake for 5 minutes.

Don't forget to pile spoonfuls of salsa and sour cream on top before consuming/serving.

Seriously, do this. In fact I think I am going to right now! I also put some cooked chicken on there if I have any and substitute fresh tomatoes for the salsa. I've gotten it down to an art in which I prepare the nachos while my oven is preheating - it's olympic.

Let me know if you all eat this, what your reactions are, and if you have any ideas for improvements!

Humanity

2009-06-08T18:26:00.001-07:00

It's 9.26pm by my watch and I have wasted yet another day filled with unproductivity and exercise. To balance my couch-bound day (and to make myself look/feel a little less lazy) I did go for a run and participated in African dance at the Center-City Park. It had live drums, which is always necessary for this type of dance because the drum beats are the conductor. It was pretty great - but I'm sure I looked nuts. I tried some of the moves in front of my mirror when I got home and, sure enough, I looked way out of my element. It was fun nonetheless. Next week is yoga - ya'll should come!

This concept of humanity has been on my mind since Friday night when I watched a film with my friend about the topic of human trafficking. It was a theatrical film in that it consisted of scripts, actors, and sets, but the plot was realistic and harshly (yet perhaps accurately) depicted the stories of human traffickers and those who are trafficked. One of the women in the film, who had been sold into a brothel by a man she was dating, said something that has stuck with me. She talked about how her and the other girls had seen their humanity ripped away from them. They had experienced pure humiliation, oppression, and suppression and had violent acts committed against them. These things demoralized them and deteriorated their feeling of being human. Without humanity, what were they? Just objects.

So often this is what happens in the midst of oppression. The demoralizing manipulation of the powerful on those without control. And it's just so disgusting that someone would take away the one thing that makes her human, the one quality which separates her from the rest of the world, just to make money, to have power, to feel in control. The human trafficking industry is so big - it's very alarming. There are so many people involved, transnationally, which make it continue day in and day out. How do they not see their sisters, mothers, or daughters in the faces of those that they violate? Because, after all, these women and girls are not machines, but are humans with the ability to hope, aspire, and dream.

New-ness

2009-05-30T10:43:00.000-07:00

So, there are two "new" things happening in my life - sporty and sappy.

First, I am now on day 10 of running/jogging. I have gotten up (almost) every morning at 8:00 AM, run a 1.5 mile loop, where I get to see the business elite of Greensboro make their way to work and hungover college students take an early morning smoke on their porches. I'm starting to really like it.

Second, I used to be the girl who never cried. Never ever. Ask my family and friends. Brief, related anecdote: In my apartment last year, a rock which looked like a heart ended up laying around our living room for the better part of the year. One of my roommates, cleverly, had brought it home - the irony was just too thick not to. I was fiddling with it one night and my friend noted that it was much like my own heart - made of stone. I laughed, he laughed, we laughed together. It wasn't far from the truth.

But recently, I've become a sap! I have trouble not crying at the slightest emotional or sentimental action/story/ritual/etc. Have I really gotten in touch with that part of myself?? I constantly am having this great, overwhelming sense of the shortness of time, of the eminence of transition, of the quick shift of the now. So when I watch movies or read books or go to a wedding or hear about someone's pain, I get the importance of it all and I have a physical reaction. It's weird - very different.

Now, I haven't yet cried while I jogged. I'll let you know as soon as that happens.

I Saw One Today

2009-05-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

One day, a few years ago, I was riding in the car with my grandmother and mom. It was sunny and warm and the car was carrying three generations of women to the grocery store - about 160 years of experiences moving together. Sitting in the navigators chair (the power chair) Mimi looked up in the sky and noticed a jet trail. She said, "Whenever I see those white lines in the sky I think of Bob (my Granddaddy). It's his way of telling me to keep my head up, to keep going. And that's what I do."

Every time I see one of those I not only think of Granddaddy, but I think of my Mimi who after 91 years of life and 7 years without Granddaddy, has her head upright looking forward. Life hasn't gotten easier for her frail body, but she presses on with persistence and grace, eager to live and love. She has hope and sass. What more does she need?